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Regret clings to my soul like cobwebs in a dusty attic. It seems that all that is left of me are memories of what was as hope drains from my heart leaving me empty and lifeless. With head bowed and shoulders intent on greeting each other in sorrow, I sigh deeply and turn on the machine that taunts me as it boots up. Mindlessly I click on Twitter and my eyes capture a flicker, a quote that wraps around my chilled heart and shakes me from my coma of hopelessness.
@GrantThomson A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.- John Barrymore
I do not want to warm myself on chilly nights with fading memories of my past accomplishments playing like a scratched album with the needle stuck in the grooves. A small piece of my old fighting spirit rises to the surface and a longing to make new “bests” that are in the present and now. I fight through the fog that has enshrined me to bring my fingers to the keyboard defiantly tapping out words, ramblings that may or may not become sentences but determined nevertheless to find my way again to life. The fog holds on with a tight grip releasing vapors as I struggle to climb above it, to see the sun that I know exists above the dark clouds. A tiny spark emerges, barely enough to light the way but I focus on the pinprick of light and tap, tap, tap my way from the cave of darkness.
I tap like a madwoman, possessed by the journey, barely seeing, not thinking but suddenly with a fierce need a single minded mission to break free fro the prison of despair. I hear nothing but the tap, tap, tap slowly rising to a crescendo as I battle my way to the light. My furrowed brow is beaded with sweat from the effort of fighting against the enemy of my soul. Tap, tap, tap, shards of remembrance break through, memories of past effort. A tiny voice whispers and I strain to hear it. It does not have to be perfect, just do it.
I tap, tap, tap to drown out the ugly screams of fear as it tries in vain to beat back the flame that threatens to extinguish its presence. Then with racing heart and waning energy I see…the light. I open my eyes wide and drink in the blessed sight of the light gulping it hungrily as one who has wandered in without water in the desert for days on end.
I turn my face toward the warmth as a deep, throaty laugh passes through my parched lips. A tear slips down my cheek and slowly falls to the page, blurring the words that dragged me from the darkness that threatened to silence me forever. I am here and I am thankful.
Have you ever been gripped by discouragement? How did you work your way through?
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Hi John, as I read the story of your son’s words, my heart lifted and I smiled. There is a special blessing when you hear the truth of God’s words from a child. I am so glad you stopped by and shared this remembrance. Thanks John!
Hi Karen – interesting subject – not that many would be as open about it – but we all experience it from time to time.
I remember years ago my 8 year old looked up at me one particular day – when things were rough and apparently it was showing and said “God will make a way where there is no way” – what an uplifting moment and message – I try to keep that in mind.
This conversation is fabulous, worthy of the post it surrounds. I think we can learn so much about ourselves and each other through blogging, and here is a great example. Even though I know most of the participants already, I feel closer to each of you now. When we share our humanity we create strong bonds. Today that is an uplifting thought, and thanks to all of you I feel better than I did at the beginning of the day. Thank you all!
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..4 Blog Typography Tips that Enhance SEO =-.
“I turn my face toward the warmth as a deep, throaty laugh passes through my parched lips.”
Exquisite. All of it, but this image particularly. A window.
A very very good window.
Hugs.
Karen, you know, sometimes I wonder to myself ‘why blog?’. Then I read words like those you just shared with me, and know. Thanks x
.-= Joanna Young´s last blog ..10 Ways to Write Without Apology =-.
Joanna, thank you so much for those words. You must also recognize your hand in this 🙂 For weeks I have been fighting with words, unable to bring forth thoughts but when I came to the page without apology, ah, well, breakthrough! Your coaching works wonders and I thank you for being a friend and mentor who always has just the right word. 🙂
Jeanne, your comment is filled with the wisdom and compassion of one who has lived life. You are so right about self awareness. There are times that we must scream for a rope and other times when we must simply climb the one that is already there. All of your comments have really meant so much to me. I am truly blessed to have landed among you.
Barbara, huge hugs! LOL! Yea, that angel can get pretty loud! I heard that same voice and I admit, it took me a bit to put on my big girl pants and quit being a whiny little brat. There are times when support is there and others when it’s clear we are the ones who need to fix it. The great thing about journeys is that they have an end. 🙂
Karen, you are such a wonderfully honest writer (blogger, author, person, friend). Thank you.
I am glad you found a way to type through your discouragement. And that the 140 characters helped you find the way. I saw that quote the other day too and smiled at it. So so oftern I have heard on Twitter just what I needed to hear (see, feel, be reminded of).
What I do when I feel discouraged… which is generally when I’ve allowed my inner critic to run totally rampant… is to go outside. Walk as mindfully as I can, and ask mother nature to teach me what I need to know. When I am quiet enough to hear… she tells me, always.
.-= Joanna Young´s last blog ..10 Ways to Write Without Apology =-.
Karen, your words painfully and beautifully capture the emotion that most of us have felt and will feel again. I enjoyed reading the comments from Andrew, Conor, Robert, Brad, and Barbara and agree with them whole-heartedly. The two constants that I see are that 1: there is no one size fits platitude or rescue method. 2: we alone are responsible for pulling ourselves out. Even with a room full of loved ones surrounding our deathbed cannot die with, or for, us. That’s also true in life! We need to have enough self-awareness to know what triggers push us into the pit and what works to pull us out and when that doesn’t work, when to seek help before despair makes us stop trying.
Oh Robert, your reply brought tears of joy to my eyes. Yes! The absolute certainty of God’s promises, and quiet solitude, yes, yes, yes, friends – definitely a blessing! You have received a double portion of blessings with Mrs. MZM, I know that she would say the same of you. What a beautiful thing to have the beauty of God’s light shining in your spouse.
Brad, your words mean so much to me. I can completely relate to going with the moment. When I fight against discouragement, it seems to linger longer and grow deeper but when I gave myself to permission to acknowledge it, well it disappeared. I am so thankful that joy really does come in the morning.
Hi Conor! I love the idea of breaking the pattern. You mention also reminding yourself of past successes. This is where a brag or gratitude journal/notebook can help. You can open it up and read nice things people have sent to you or said to you or your own words from better times. I know that you have been tackling changes in your own life, but in my eyes you are managing it beautifully. 🙂
Hi Andrew, what a thoughtful response that is very helpful. I like the idea of balancing doing with feeling. Your 80/20 allows for you to process your feelings while not getting stuck there. I love this approach. When I was feeling down, I was reading the Psalms and reminded that what I was feeling for normal and human. Some of the Psalms are heart wrenching! When you feel blue though, it helps to know you’re not alone, kind of like listening to the blues when you feel blue, somehow it makes you feel better. 🙂
Oh, could I write a ton on this!!! Suffice it to say:
1.) Nobody else cares. Actually, that’s not true – it should be, nobody else cares ENOUGH to proactively say, hey, can I help? Case in point – I shut my forums down for 4 days without warning; nobody asked anything about it. I’m certain if I had said on Twitter, Hey! I need help! I’d have gotten a bit more responses…but I wanted to see just how proactive people could be.
Answer – zilch. But! That’s truly okay, because it forced me to realize yet again, any success I create…is going to depend first and foremost on ME. Nobody else. And if I’m busy whining to myself (which I do quite superbly, I must admit! 🙂 ) the plain truth is….nobody cares enough to be proactive. They’ll care if they get hit on the head with it, but NOT…if they need to make the first move.
Once I internalized that, my creativity zoomed back to its normal place. Talk about character-building!
2.) Nobody else cares. Wait a sec, didn’t I just say that? Well, it bears repeating! You cannot simply expect people to be proactive about you – you have to make the effort to reach out and say, hey! I need a hand.
I have to learn that myself.
3.) Everything happens for a reason. When you are consumed with negative feelings, your guardian angel is screaming at you and gently expressing with the force of 34 atomic bombs, “Yo! Wake up! You NEED to take control…when will you get sick and tired enough of feeling sorry for yourself and JUST FREAKIN’ DO IT??????”
Yes, my weekend was lovely, why do you ask? 🙂
In closing, I handle discouragement (ideally) by saying, what am I meant to learn? How should I change my direction? What is the lesson I need to internalize?…. and then ideally, going on fro mthere.
Hugs. It’s a hero’s journey to the nth degree.
.-= Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog ..Smartly Title! Your Video SEO Part 1 – Today’s Make Money Online Tip =-.
For me, the gentleness of Mrs. MZM’s touch, the surety of God’s promises, a scene of quite solitude – these are the things that generally make it easier to withdraw from that deep pit I’ve found myself in. Reminders of past high points, giving a friend a lift – these also help remind me I’m not alone. The loving care of friends can reach in and find me no matter where I hide!
.-= Robert Hruzek´s last blog ..No What I Learned From… Project This Month! =-.
Karen, The beauty and power of your words takes my breath away. Thank you for inspiring us with this amazing portrait. Lately I’ve taken to going with my mood, whatever it is, rather than fight it. When I’m discouraged I write from that point of view, but I take comfort in the fact that tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, hope will replace discouragement as it always does.
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..4 Blog Typography Tips that Enhance SEO =-.
Hi Karen,
Wow. Striking words and great imagery 🙂
I have been discouraged many times in the pursuit of my goals. Creating something of value breeds excitement, but also fear. I’m daunted but fired up, it’s always a strange parallel.
To break through the moments of anxiety, I try and snap myself out by immersing myself in something totally different, a mindful walk, singing a song, just to break the thought pattern.
After that I look back on past obstacles, empower myself with the accomplishment of getting over them, try and stifle the voices of doubt with words of support from within and those I receive from outside that I too often forget, and just KEEP MOVING.
The longer we dwell in these moments, the more crippling they feel, but they are there to show us why we do what we do, why we ignore the shelter of familiarity and comfort zones and walk among the unpredictable shadows and shines.
Conor
Karen,
Superbly written – Leonardo De Vinci himself could not have painted a more vivid picture.
From my own personal perspective, the main times which I can think of where I have experienced a significant degree of discouragement (and won through it) relate to a few short periods of unemployment which I experienced very early on in my career.
In order to get through these periods, from an emotional viewpoint, I developed what I called the 80/20 rule. Under this rule, I would make a concious effort to operate in a positive mindset (in spite of my difficulty) for approximately eighty per cent of the time. But in order to be true to my own feelings, I would purposefully allow myself to be downcast and miserable on some occassions.
The key was not to stay in my downbeat state, and in order to do this, I developed a few simple words, such as ‘active’ whenever I needed to pull myself back up. These words would act as a remineder that I was not going to stay downbeat, but instead was in the business of undertaking proactive action to do something about improving my situation.
.-= Andrew´s last blog ..Should models be sacked for being ‘too fat’ =-.