On Monday, I shared a peek into my wildly overactive imagination. My mind filled in the blanks with a story of my choosing in absence of facts and data. The truth was far simpler than what my mind contrived. In that instance, no harm was done, and the results were a hearty chuckle. Yet, Wendi Kelly knowingly commented:
“Karen that is great story. And also a great story about how we make rash judgments about people and situations before we don’t have all the facts. There is a great lesson in here!”
Wendi was right, there is a lesson to be learned from my wild tale. We tell ourselves stories every day, and they have a profound impact on our conduct and our relationships. In his book, Be the Hero, Noah Blumenthal notes that tell stories about: other people, our situation, ourselves. The way we tell these stories cast us as either victim or hero, but we are fully in control of our role. When we change our stories, we change our lives.
It is human nature as Wendi notes to fill in the gaps when we don’t have all the facts. We can make up a back story for a colleague who appears angry and uncooperative, which can validate what we choose to see rather than viewing it from a perspective of compassion. We tell stories about our spouses, friends, and children, and then we seek to fulfill them by continuing to validate our own beliefs.
Noah’s position is that we can literally change our lives by changing our stories. Imagine filling in the gaps in a way that allow you to be open and receptive to new ideas and change. How would your work environment change if everyone began communicating like a hero rather than a victim? Would it affect your relationship with that surly co-worker or the seemingly hard-nosed boss? Changing your people stories in a way that seeks to understand rather than blame will most certainly improve every relationship in your life.
Our situation stories provide another opportunity for us to choose hero or victim. You can choose to magnify the negative or you can choose to see and celebrate the best in your life. No matter how dark the days, or large the challenges there is always an opportunity to choose to look at what is right in your life, rather than what is wrong.
Finally, there are the self stories. Victims have things happen to them, while heroes make things happen. Are you telling yourself that you have the power to influence your choices or have you cast yourself as a helpless victim whom life rolls over?
We always have a choice. However, we also have a choice to embrace or reject that choice. Being the hero is not a Pollyanna view of life that denies that bad things happen. Life is complex, and messy. Even when you change your story your co-worker may remain surly and your boss may be a jerk. Being the does not require an adoring crowd or outside validation, but a quiet determination to choose to be the hero even when no one else is looking. If you are going to fill in the blanks why not fill them in with stories that build and nurture rather than destroy?
How about you? Have you ever cast yourself as the victim? How would a hero story have changed the situation?
Resources:
How to be Happy Now – Wendi Kelly’s beautiful post that challenges our notion that happy is elusive. She challenges us to courageously choose happiness even when life seems to be directing us otherwise.
Be the Hero - Noah’s book is not a sentimental view through rose colored glasses. The book delivers a powerful message through the use of a parable. We follow the stories of those who went from victim to hero and those stories really hit home.
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November 19th, 2009 on 9:42 am
what an inspiring piece Karen, and a reminder that I simply must get hold of that book!
It doesn’t even need to be big stories, it can be little things like the language we habitually use… as we start to shift that other things start to change too….
Joanna Young´s last blog ..The Book, and 5 Ways You Can Help
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Karen Swim
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November 19th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Thank you Joanna! I have gotten to know Noah a bit and he is every bit the hero. The book is an easy read as it’s done in a parable format. If you get round to it, would love to discuss. And CONGRATULATIONS on your book! Can’t wait to write a post about it!
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November 19th, 2009 on 12:55 pm
Karen,
Thank you, what a nice surprise to wake up to this morning. And what an inspiring article to read!
You have really hit this one out of the ball park. We always have choices. Always. We may not be able to change the person beside us, we may not be able to control our initial response of fear or anger, but we can learn to choose how to respond to our emotions.
Instead of a bad day, we can have a bad moment, and turn it around much quicker! A benefit that often happens is that you find that you DO have an effect on the grump next to you. And when it seems like a miracle the day he suddenly begins to smile, you can rest assured that your drop in the water contributed to a positive wave in his life.
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Karen Swim
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November 19th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Wendi, your comments and your post nailed it! It was interesting to read though one of your commenters who had trouble really digesting the power to choose. It seems so intuitive yet many resist it and need help learning to make that choice. I am so appreciative of your wisdom and insight and proud to be in your network of happy.
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November 19th, 2009 on 2:57 pm
Karen,
Wow, what an insightful post. It’s very similar to Huna (Hawaiian spiritual philosophy) in that we create our own realities. If we’re the captains of our own destinies, then why not create a positive one instead of perpetuating the negative?
You rock, Sunshine.
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Karen Swim
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November 19th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Deb, thank you! I am learning much about Hawaiian philosophies from Rosa Say. I’m with you if I’m in charge, I choose rainbows and sunshine (although I also happen to love clouds but in a happy way)! You rock too Deb!
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November 20th, 2009 on 4:15 am
Very inspiring piece, thanks for sharing. I am in the middle of writing a story at the moment and this was a great article to keep me going. Thanks
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November 20th, 2009 on 5:40 am
Great post, Karen! I try to think and act from the hero perspective. But when you’re down, things don’t add up and it all seems to be going the wrong way, the victim approach may seem quite appealing. No matter how comfortable it seems, it’s never a good approach. Simply because it does not help focus on solutions. One just looks for reasons and excuses for why it all went wrong. And in these situations, you need a hero to pull you out. The hero within you is the chosen one, of course
Alina Popescu´s last blog ..The brand-aware take on making money online
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Karen Swim
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November 20th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Hi Alina and thank you! Yes, when we’re down is when it’s most important to find that hero perspective. The book comes with tear out cards that you can tuck in your wallet or purse so that you have a constant reminder – they have really helped me when I get off track. It’s funny but we all know that when we think differently the bad thing really becomes “less bad” but we struggle to put that into practice sometimes.
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November 20th, 2009 on 12:21 pm
I think it’s all about our current moods. Right now, I feel more like a victim than confident (I don’t consider myself a hero). When I go up to school later, I’ll feel better and more confident because I’m volunteering my time. Winning post, Karen.
Meryl K Evans´s last blog ..11 Reasons Why People Don’t Follow Back on Twitter
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Karen Swim
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November 20th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Hi Meryl! Allow me to reinforce that you have every reason to be confident.
I know what you mean about those darn moods though, and it is smart when they hit to do something that puts us back in touch with a positive perspective. Volunteering is a great way to stay in the hero mindset, as we reach out and help others we are constantly reminded to count our own blessings.
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November 22nd, 2009 on 10:26 pm
Wow. What a post….
I could’ve written a chunk of my past differently had I had a hero mentality, and not a victim one. Absolutely. If I would have had a stronger mindset, I’d have never been a victim of domestic violence – I’d have been Super Woman and saved the day — for myself, and for others.
Michele | aka Raw Juice Girl´s last blog ..Overnight Oats + Tropical Traditions Coconut Peanut Butter + Raw Honey
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Karen Swim
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November 23rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Michele, you are a hero now, I wish that you did not have to suffer to get to that point but you are an absolute beacon of light to others who may still be a victim or on their way to becoming one. I am so glad that you survived that period and emerged strong and heroic!
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Michele | aka Raw Juice Girl
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November 23rd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Thank you, Karen! Your words brought tears to my eyes!!!
Hugs,
Michele
Michele | aka Raw Juice Girl´s last blog ..E3Live + BrainOn Contest Winner
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