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Counselors often guide people in how to fight fair. It’s an important skill to learn. The rules of the game include not hitting below the belt, which is akin to throwing a deadly dagger of words that sucks the wind out of the other person. Counselors also teach you to move from judging, accusatory statements to “I feel.”
In life and business we often throw out relationship rules particularly when debates get heated. We like to believe that we are making rational arguments with no basis in emotion, but that’s a lie. Like it or not emotion very often plays a large role in our reactions.
For the past couple of weeks I have followed lively discussions around heated issues such as infidelity, policy debate, gender inequality, and revelations of long held secrets. Discussions started out civil but quickly turned passionate and heated. The tipping point was always emotion. When you dismiss what someone “feels” as irrational or unintelligent, the gloves come off and a nice debate becomes a bare knuckles smack down.
Nowhere is this more evident than in matters of ideology. Attacking a belief system is a surefire way to get personal very fast.
The funny thing is people have feelings about everything. Tropicana changed its packaging and ignited an uprising. Change, controversy or negative events, for this reason should be handled with care.
Whether a solo professional or big brand, don’t meet your customers’ emotions with rational arguments that seem to call them stupid. Sometimes, people need to work through what they’re feeling and the hurt, angry and betrayed could soon become your biggest supporters.
Learn to fight fair at home and in life, and you will not have to overcome opposition with force.
Have you ever had a disagreement in business or in your personal life spiral out of control because of emotion? Were you able to rectify it or did itforever change the relationship?
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Karen, The worst time to engage in a business argument is when emotions are running high. People say things they don’t mean, and bad memories linger long after the dispute is forgotten, undermining teamwork and focus. I agree with you: when a customer (internal or external) is upset, the best thing to do is be understanding. Come back and perform the autopsy later, when cooler heads can prevail.
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..My Pledge to Clients =-.
I’m fortunate that my emotions rarely get in the way of a tough situation. Somehow I’ve trained my subconscious to know “It’s not personal, it’s business.” If we’re talking playing a game in sports and what not… that’s another story!
.-= Meryl K Evans´s last blog ..Favorite Posts of 2009 =-.
Brad, very true of business and life, but sometimes people miss that they have struck an emotional chord. Tropicana is a good example, no way that agency could have predicted the response to a package redesign.
Meryl, I’m usually pretty calm and balanced too especially under pressure but these cyber blowouts have made me realize that even when people respond “rationally” there is emotion present and things can quickly get out of hand.
You’re right, Karen. Tropicana was really blindsided there. I don’t know what happened exactly, but it’s a little surprising the emotional response didn’t surface in a focus group or during test marketing. In any event, the good side of this is that Tropicana had an emotionally committed customer base – and how valuable is that? I hope they’ve recovered from the gaffe.
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..My Pledge to Clients =-.
If you separate the personal from the business, Meryl, do you tell yourself that statement regardless which side is taking over?
.-= Ari Herzog´s last blog ..Government Data Enables Walkability, Transit Relief =-.
Ari, I think that statement tends to apply more often to the business side than personal. But you’re right … it could work for personal if I tell myself, “It’s not personal, it’s a competition where everyone wants to win.”
.-= Meryl K Evans´s last blog ..Favorite Posts of 2009 =-.
I think part of the issue Karen is the way things unfold online. Words can take on their own (negative) energy if we’re not very careful and bystanders watch as things quickly spiral out of control. Other people read and take sides and it’s hard, almost impossible, to row back.
I think we all need to learn how to handle online discussions of some of the issues that touch on deep felt emotions and values – and how to ‘fight fair’ in public settings when we’re using indelible ink!
.-= Joanna Young´s last blog ..Happy Christmas! =-.
Even when trying to be rational, emotion will color how ‘facts’ are weighed and balanced. A key question I try to focus on is: what is the core objective of the argument? Sometimes (especially in customer relations) losing an argument actually means you’ve met your objective. A dissatisfied customer who receives an apology and a coupon will remember you with more fondness than one who you make realize how wrong and stupid they are.
The same is probably true in blogging. If you always violently defend your point of view the net result is less discussion and learning than might be available otherwise.
.-= Fred H Schlegel´s last blog ..Planning for Serendipity – Taking Flight =-.