Written by Karen D. Swim
Years ago I met a woman named Lisa (not her real name) while doing my civic duty as a juror. After 14 days of being cooped up in a room with a group of people you either walk out friends or never want to see them again! Lisa and I seemed to get along fine. She was around my age and we were both single. We exchanged contact information and agreed to keep in touch.
We got together the following weekend for a movie. She called me later that night, and the next day, and the next day. Well you get the picture. She called a lot to moan and complain. Lisa was what my friends and I called an “energy vampire.”
I had a close group of girlfriends and I was accustomed to having a phone to my ear at least 18 hours per day, but this was not the same. Lisa kept inviting me to do things and I would beg off politely. I stopped returning phone calls yet she persisted.
Finally, I did something uncharacteristic, I was mean. I told Lisa that my quota for friends was filled, and I was no longer accepting new applicants. She tried to argue with me (I mean geez she really was tenacious) and our last conversation ended badly. I felt guilty but cleansed.
Social media networking has become a little like Lisa. I love connecting with other people but lately have found myself wanting to draw the line. I get stock LinkedIn invites from strangers or advertisements masked as an invite for things I neither want nor need. People leave self-promotional ads on my profile page and then spam me with invites to join everything from the Bombay cooking school network to support groups for people who don’t like the color green! And please let’s not discuss the creepy Facebook applications!
Now, I am not saying that I don’t want to connect with diverse people (diverse, not creepy) but try connecting with me where I already hang out. Let’s exchange pleasantries before you then shoot me invites to 20 other places to which I don’t belong. I love LinkedIn and it is one place where having a large network comes in handy. However, can you at least customize the invite beyond the stock invitation (yes you company of people who have been mandated by HR to befriend everyone on LinkedIn). Now, if I already know you I could care less about the stock invitation, but if you don’t know me at all how about a little bit of effort?
Social networking has been great for me personally and professionally. I love the Skype talks with Roland, and my Gtalk chats with Daniel Smith. I enjoy my twitter buds and blog comment buddies (ahem that would be all of you) . I can check out of Plurk for weeks and come back to insightful questions from Jane Chin and intense discussions on social media led by Her Royal Fierceness, Connie Reece or Mack Collier. Yet I am joining the legions of people who are beginning to re-think the concept of open networker. So be warned, if you send me an invite in a language I don’t understand or a picture of you in your underwear, I just may tell you that I’m all out of friend spots. Perhaps Lisa is available.
Are you an active participant in social media? Has your approach changed to how you add friends?
Karen Swim says
For all the comments I miss, please forgive me. I tend to have these conversations in my head with you when you comment and um sometimes I think I’ve written them. So sorry for being so late in responding! Duh!
Daniel, you’re welcome and your comment I’m sure mirrors the way many feel. I plan to write more on this issue as I am pretty passionate about social media. I am also a LION but for LI I don’t mind all the connections because it helps me to help my career marketing clients. Although if my network ever got to 10,000 I might be losing my mind! Thank you so much for the compliment. I really appreciate everyone who takes time to come here and chat. I learn so much from you all and that is truly a blessing!
Hi Neal! Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. Your comment certainly provides a different viewpoint. I am definitely going to revisit this topic. Although we are not physically interacting we are still interacting using social media tools. I always keep in mind too that at the other end of my internet connection is a real person so the same rules of engagement apply. Although as you mentioned we do have choices. Thanks Neal, you have provided food for thought!
Melissa, your approach is smart. I am a believer in the tools BUT I do think that people should choose to use them wisely. No one will die from lack of social media tools. LOL!
Karen Swims last blog post..In the Zone
Melissa Donovan says
Frankly, I don’t know how people keep up with all those social networking sites. I wish I had time for more twittering and whatnot, but I just don’t. Some of these applications are useful but at this point, I’m just a bit worn out on all of it.
Melissa Donovans last blog post..A is for Apple
Neal "thePuck" Jansons says
Great post, and very timely considering the events of the last few days since Darren’s little experiment. I see where you are coming from, but I look at it a little differently.
The way I see it, what social media allows us to do is exist in a different way, a distributed way. This allows for a different sense of identity, one that by its very nature has different boundaries and structures for possible behaviors.
This means that rather than having an uncomfortable confrontation with someone met randomly through a duty rather than an interest-based event who has begun to plague me, I instead have connections created by interests and professional activity that I can block, ignore, or cease following if they become a problem. Your example is of something that occurs in the physical world, but here I never “have” to interact with anyone. I can choose it. This choice makes all the difference.
In addition, in the physical realm you are limited by the limits of your time/space. We “just happened” to be born, grow up, go to school, etc, in certain places and times. We are situated physically in a way that limits our possible interactions. So we make the friends and contacts it is feasible for us to make, and make do with that.
Through social media and the net, all of this is gone. Now all the people in a field, theoretically, could know each other and collaborate. No longer is anyone limited by being in a small town or in another country.
Great points, though. It can become a problem, but the internet paparazzi don’t lay in wait in your bushes, they just lurk and drool over your tweets. There is a fundamental difference there.
Neal “thePuck” Jansonss last blog post..Ten Steps to Being Everywhere in Social Media
Daniel Smith says
Karen,
Wow! I’ve been so busy I haven’t been over here in awhile -time to play catch up, sorry!
This was an excellent post (and no, not just because I got an honourary mention 😉
I was thinking about this exact problem the other day when I was updating my LinkedIn account. I used to -love- LI- I was on there once a day, asking and answering questions and making useful contacts. At first, my rule was that I wouldn’t connect with anyone unless I knew them in real life, or had some meaningful interaction with them online (either on LI or elsewhere.)
But then, I was looking for a job and decided to join the LinkedIn LIONS (an open networking group that pledges never to I-Don’t-Know an invite from anyone, and to connect with almost anyone who asks.) Well, the tactic worked and my network exploded and I did find a job… though it was through an existing contact, not a new LION one.
Anyway, the point of all this is that joining the LIONs is one of my biggest regrets of my Social Media life (yes, that’s a term, I just coined it :P) Soon, I was inundated with connection requests at a rate faster than I could even read them. It grew so bad that I changed my settings not to forward them to my email. Then I just stopped visiting LI altogether because I didn’t have time to sort through the chaff.
I went to the LION site and removed myself from the list. I emailed the group admin. I did everything I could think of to stop the stream of invites, but to no avail. Now, I never use LinkedIn and I feel like if I ever wanted to, I’d have to start from scratch.
I know that was a hugely long story, but I just wanted to share because my frustrations are so in line with the ones you’ve expressed. Needless to say, I’m much more careful in how and with whom I connect on social networks. The ONLY exception where I’m open to connect with just about anyone, is Digg because I see it as more of a collaborative promotion engine than a forum for interactive communication.
ANYWAY, thanks for getting my mind going, as usual. One last point I want to make before I leave you alone: your commitment to building real and lasting relationships through social media is evident on your blog – just look at this comment thread, all the same great bloggers who always come and support you here and join the conversation. I couldn’t think of a better indicator that someone is “doing it right.”
Now, I’m off to Digg and Stumble this post 🙂
Cheers,
Daniel
Daniel Smiths last blog post..The Top 10 Features Twitter Should Have, But Doesn’t (No, "Uptime" Isn’t On The List)
Karen Swim says
Hi Joel! What an astute observation. Technology has broadened the “fame phenomenon” to a much larger group. There are parallels there I had not considered. This certainly gives me another perspective to consider. Thank you Joel!
Roland, good points! I actually like the various conversations that happen at Twitter. It’s fun to jump back and forth on multiple discussions but I also appreciate the smaller, intimate discussions where you get to know a little bit more about people.
Ulla, I’m glad we found you too! 🙂
Roland Hesz says
I like the skype talks too Karen ^^.
I am changing my policy sometimes, but then I have this wonderful personality that can make people escape if I don’t want them to come too frequently.
I like twitter and follow a bunch of people there, although Plurk is getting over I have to admit. But, twitter and plurk won’t make friends for me, that’s just a “first step”, I prefer to take it over to e-mail and blog comments and skype if the person is interesting and is up to it.
Like with you, Rosa, Amy and a couple of other people.
LinkedIn is totally different. That is for professional stuff, not for “friends”. Although, some people ends up as friends from there too.
And I agree with Joel, people think they know you, I know that I feel like I know some bloggers, authors – then common sense steps in thankfully 🙂
Ulla: you use social media whenever you talk with people, it’s not an online thing only. And you know, it is an old problem, in Postcards from the Edge Suzanne Vale said “It’s like I’ve made intimacy a superficial gesture.” And she have not even heard of the internet yet. She just happened to attend Hollywood parties 🙂
Ulla Hennig says
Karen,
ahem, the one and only social media I am using is Twitter. I don’t have a facebook account, I am not with LinkedIn. Without Twitter I wouldn’t have met you, or Rosa, or Brad, or Robert. I would not follow your blogs. So I am happy that I decided to join Twitter. And I always enjoy meeting you at Twitter. But I am totally satisfied with the actual number of following people. I am afraid I couldn’t take more, or the relationship would become very superficious.
Joel Ordesky says
I think this is an age old problem most often experienced by public figures who every one feels they know and are connected to by virtue of a one way experience. The audience feels they “know” you and therefore want to connect. You do not know and therefore are creeped out by the attention. I think these tools are great for opening doors but one must have firm and clear practices on how and when they connect with others. If you put yourself out there for what ever reason people will be attracted if it is not clear where and how you draw the line then you will be unhappy with some parts of the net effect.
Karen Swim says
Aloha Rosa! Rosa, I agree there is the pre-decision but then you must manage the ongoing distraction. I like your comment about being discerning. My approach has been to reach out (even with the stock invites) to try and engage the other person. There have been times that my efforts have been warmly reciprocated. Some are shy or unsure of etiquette and simply needed another to extend the “olive branch.” Like you the Twitter lurkers do make me a bit uncomfortable, which is why I have even began to block those that follow thousands but have very few followers in return and if their profile has underwear in the picture, it’s a definite block!
Karen Swim says
Robert, your slow adoption policy is smart! If you joined everything there would be no time for living. 🙂
Brett, you are right and I’m not sure we ever stop learning and changing. Your blog has taught us all a few things too. Tim is a great example! Very good point too. we often run to what is new forgetting that the old stuff still works just as well!
Brad, oh yea, eventually the self-interested find a way to manipulate any tool. I am learning to tune out the noise and simply allow in what suits or interests me. It is not always easy…Twitter has already become a hotbed for spammers. Plurk is definitely a better place for real conversations. The one great thing about Twitter is that those who shamelessly self promote can get unfollowed pretty quickly so perhaps it will not become sullied by commercialism.
Steph, one of my pet peeves is when people advocate that you “must” or “should” join these networks. Although I participate I would not advise everyone to jump on board. Good for you for deciding how to spend your time!
Friar, LOL! Who knew Bob Dylan would cause such an uproar! I thought it was a great post! Blog reading and commenting is consuming. I love it but I sometimes struggle to keep up too. Roundup? Hehehehe, we need a people roundup! LOL! I am not very good at being mean but that one time in my life it paid off!
Hi Jane! I love the entertainment but I also love stimulating conversation that makes me think. You are masterful at inspiring productive conversations. I love logging on to Plurk and seeing your great questions.
Rosa Say says
Aloha Karen and all, good conversation here. Social media truly has gotten to be a bit much.
Karen your advice to have a clear strategy before jumping in is good advice, however then discipline with new distractions comes into play, for so many of the new internet apps are learn-as-you-go. Then we can all get pulled in by well meaning friends wanting to “share” their finds too, so while your friend quota may be gutsy, there is much to say for choosing those friends carefully in the first place.
This is where my own “aloha first” assumptions with people will lull me in, and I need a “now back away” strategy, however the template stuff just doesn’t get answered. I’ve also started to ignore new followers (Twitter etc.) who add me but don’t talk to me… I “get” lurking blog readers, but not lurking followers on “social” media.
Friar says
@Karen
ARGHH….I hate those clingy “friends”. They’re almost like stalkers.
These people are noxious weeds in the Frienship Garden of Life. We don’t need them…the only way to handle them is to spray them with “Roundup”.
Which is basically what you did with that one person. (Good for you!)
Friars last blog post..My Dog Basil is So Special
Jane Chin says
Excellent post, Karen! I agree also that template invites are passe, and shows lack of consideration on part of requester for contact. If the person wants to connect with me, the LEAST he or she can do is to address me and personalize the request in some way.
Your “friends quota” is gutsy!
Thank you for including me in your post, and for noticing my questions.
Jane Chin
Jane Chins last blog post..3 Starting Points for Prospective Entrepreneurs
Brett Legree says
Perhaps the thing to remember is this – folks were able to build good web businesses before social media.
Social media is “opt-in”, thus we control how much we use it. There are folks like Tim Ferriss who seem to do quite well without posting a million blog posts a week, or hanging out on Twitter or Facebook or whatever.
So it can be done, the old fashioned way i.e. a great product or service to sell, open and honest communication, and smart work practices.
We only need use these as much as we decide.
Friar says
I spend a lot of time just checking out my blog and other people’s blogs. That occupies enough time as it is…
I’m staying away from Twitter and Facebook, and all that. There’s just too much of a risk that it will become a black hole and swallow and absorb me.
Actually, when I got 1800 hits on my blog (due to that fluke Bob Dylan post), it started to stress me out. Now that my traffic is returning to normal (~ 100 hits a day), I’m starting to feel more relieved.
I just don’t want this to consume my whole life.
Steph says
Ah, I just posted on this myself last week. I have never joined Twitter or anything else like that, and last week I finally cancelled my GoodReads account. It was all just too much. 200 friends I never talk to and constant invitations. I have a good time blogging and reading others’ blogs and commenting, and that in itself is my limit. Then I have work, domesticity, my marriage and my face-to-face social life as well (not in that order), so my dance card is filled! It’s not to say I refuse new friends, but drawing the line is something I have to do often.
Timely post!
Brad Shorr says
Karen, social media is definitely a balancing act. Unfortunately, in the two or three years I’ve been engaged in it, social media sites have a tendency to degrade into commercialism. Yesterday I was thinking about MyBlogBlog. It started out as what I thought was a pretty good network for meeting serious, talented bloggers. Now it seems like mainly spam and self promotion. Does it strike you that way also? Heaven knows what Twitter will look like in another year. On the other hand … I just Stumbled your post because it’s so good, and that’s going to be visible not only on StumbleUpon, but on my FriendFeed, and my Facebook profile. If I were deeper into social media, my one little Stumble might turn up in ten other places. Point is, this simple bookmarking activity can be valuable, but only to the extent serious minded people are using the sites, people who might be interested in your services or collaborating. My fear is the preponderance of noise on these sites and the inability of serious minded people to filter it out or strategically pick their spots will drive them away and make social media sites useful only to advertisers. To me, that’s what’s happening with MyBlogLog right now.
Brett Legree says
Karen,
Exactly. Now me, being insanely interested in everything, I have to check it out. Right now, though, I don’t really have a use for them as my current blog is still really an experiment in learning (and I’m learning a lot) – so I’ve backed off a bit. But I keep my fingers on the pulse so to speak.
Once everyone is ready to go, we can get back on the magazine. I’ll make sure Friar’s got his camera all set and ready to go on Skype (he bought a nice widescreen LCD with built-in cam and microphone, so he’ll be ready).
Robert Hruzek says
I couldn’t agree with you more, Karen. This is why I tend to be a slow adopter for “all things new” on the Internet. I prefer to work just a few social networks at a time, since time is, you know, kinda limited. I know it makes sense for businesses of various kinds, but for me, it’s just too much.
I figure if it’s really that important, I’ll be there eventually.
… “wonder woman”… hey, that fits!
Karen Swim says
Brett, hello my kilted wonder friend! One of the big problems with social media is jumping in without a clear strategy. I have found it to be wonderful for building a brand and creating relationships but you have to actively participate which means you can’t be everywhere! I joined a ton of networks so that I can advise clients on strategies but for my own purposes I actively participate in a few. Sometimes I take a break from it all too because it can get overwhelming!
Wendi, I do love Twitter but I don’t spend all day on it either. I have definitely made some great connections through Twitter and deepened them through one on one contact.
I was thinking of the magazine too, and I would love to resume talks. Hey, I even have my new webcam hooked up. 🙂
Brett Legree says
Wendi,
Funny you mention that. I tried Twitter for a while, and was on it every day. Now I check in once in a while. Plurk – kind of neat, but I don’t use it. I have a Facebook page, and poke at it about once a month or so.
I prefer to chat with my friends at my blog or their blogs, and email, or Skype, or phone.
(Which reminds me – if you ladies are still interested, perhaps when we all return from vacation we can see if we still want to do our magazine thing. I believe we should get back to it, as it is a good idea.)
Wendi Kelly says
I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating I guess, I haven’t jumped on the social network frenzy.Twitter, which frankly by most people’s standards I’m probably not that good at, I can’t remember to keep checking in, and My daughter has me on facebook, which mostly has family and a few people I really do know and good on-line friends. ( I’d love to have all of the gang there, but be warned, I don’t check in that often)
I like building deep first, then wide. I want friends and collegues I know and respect, not names collected in a list.
Brett Legree says
Very timely post Karen.
I’ve found it far too easy to let myself try each and every social media thing that comes along, and then to get anything done, I had to pull back a bit.
That doesn’t mean that I can’t connect with the great friends I’ve already made – but as you say, you can reach your friend quota at some point and you have to set boundaries.
Great post today, Wonder Woman.
-Brett
Brett Legrees last blog post..step out of line.