Written by Karen D. Swim
I opened the door and walked into the cool air of the building. As I glanced to the left, I smiled and greeted a woman in eye view. Behind the thick lenses of her glasses, I saw it – that familiar glint. She rushed over to chat. “Hi, how are you?” Her shoulders sagged and she looked at me intently and said, “My daughter is addicted to meth and she’s pregnant.”
A torrent of personal information spilled forth which I shall not repeat here. She took a deep breath when done as though purged and satisfied. I tilted my head to the side waiting for what I knew would come next. As if on cue, her hand flew to her mouth, and her eyes grew wide as she whispered “Oh God, I don’t know why I told you all of that.”
This is a familiar scene in my life. People blurt out their secrets, and then cover their mouth in shock exclaiming, “I don’t know why I told you that! I have never told anyone that. I’m so sorry.” I always respond with empathy reassuring them they have no reason to be embarrassed. We all need someone to listen.
I don’t look like a police officer, and I can’t pull off authoritative if you forced me too. I tried it with NY cabbies and I collapsed into giggles. Yet for some reason a smile and greeting is all it takes for people to pull up the proverbial couch and tell all.
Now, I personally do some goof ball stuff, talk to the mail carrier with soy peanut butter on my chin, fail to realize that my zipper is down (no worries, no one was flashed) or walk into closed doors if I have not had coffee but confess my secrets to strangers? Uh oh, no way! I mean hair sticking up is one thing but raising someone’s hair with my own tales, no thanks!
My magic powers do not end with strangers. I know things. I would tell you but then… well you know the rest of that line. I am the Official Secret Keeper; yep that’s me Grand Poobah of the Vault.
I wonder if I have a glint in my eye that says please tell all. Friends and colleagues have called me Oprah. I do possess mad mediation skills. If there is conflict, I can decompress it in nothing flat, but how have I become the Queen of Confessions. It makes sense (most of the time) when people I know tell me secrets but strangers? These people don’t know me from Adam, Eve. And maybe, just maybe that is the point.
Written by Karen D. Swim
It is easy to confess all to someone who cannot hit you over the head with your own history. A stranger will just listen (or raise an eyebrow and walk away). I am always happy to listen and offer words of encouragement or comfort. I am glad that people find me approachable and somehow sense that I will not rebuke them.
Yet, it also makes me a little sad. I can listen in the moment and hopefully offer words that will help. However, what happens in the days to come when they need support? My friends have me, official secret keeper but what about the people who find themselves confessing to a woman in the produce aisle?
I fear that it is a symptom of our greater need to connect. We have lots of access points but few true connections. Rapid fire email, text and phone conversations are not meeting our needs.
We no longer have “fence neighbors” because we’re fenced in with no time for idle chatter (unless it is done online!). We don’t walk the dog and stop to chat along the way. We have friends but all too often we are too busy to really connect. Instead hurried updates are squeezed between loads of laundry and email.
We are doing ourselves a disservice. It is amazing how wonderful it is to sit and talk, really talk to a friend or loved one without distractions. When we nurture our connections with others we nurture our souls. My friendships have been enriched over the years by sharing. Tears, laughter and prayers have been woven into a tightly weaved bond that holds us together in spite of the miles.
If you have been too busy to connect, take this as your cue. Make some time for friends and family or you may find yourself spilling all to a stranger.
Have you ever confessed to a stranger? Did it help or did you regret it? Has anyone confessed to you? Care to share? The comment box is always open and there is absolutely no charge.
Karen Swim says
Robert, I am not at all surprised to learn Mrs. MZM has that gift. Her husband is also gifted with insight and compassion. 🙂
Oh Nadine, that is so sad about your neighbor! I agree with you it is so sad that we have closed ourselves off. It is rare to see a true community these days. In fact, I don’t even see kids outside much anymore. I sense though that many long for those connections so I hope we find a way to break down those barriers. About the directions, that is very funny! I know it is because they sense your kindness.
Hi Spagetthipie! Ah, yes so true that every gift also comes with responsibility. I do not take that lightly. I would love to hear more about your thoughts on creating community. It is an issue close to my heart as well.
E, lol! The occasional rant is pretty good, eh? I may do that, in fact….lol! Have I told you ten million times that I am so glad you’re back? I’m glad you’re back!
Jamie, your Dad sounds like a sweet funny man. Does he also share your gift for writing? I think that’s funny about the gas station. lol! A tank of gas and confession all in one place. 🙂
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write says
Strangers blurt out the most personal details of their lives to me as well. It happens everywhere, especially at the gas pump. It happens to my dad too. He says we have the Eyes of the Ancients and people can’t help but tell their tales.
So, I know when people are going to call me before they call and I can get unsolicited tales of horror and strangeness while filling up at $5 a gallon. Now if I could just tune in some lottery numbers!
Great post, Karen. Glad to know I am not alone out there. 🙂
Jamie Grove – How Not To Writes last blog post..The Maybe Flower – What Maybe Does to Your Writing
Ellen Wilson says
Wow Karen. Now I know where I can go. Just kidding.
That’s a hard row to hoe. Well, just remember to have an equal amount of time for your venting!
Maybe you could do a shrink weekly column.
Ellen Wilsons last blog post..Crossing the Border
spaghettipie says
A beautiful gift with heavy responsibility.
And I love your urging to really connect with others. That’s an issue close to my heart – creating true community where we feel safe enough to do that.
spaghettipies last blog post..We’re on the same team, Part 1
Nadine Touzet says
Believe it or not, this often happens to me too. But I have another talent. If I am in an unknown city, people come up to me to ask me the way. How can they guess that I’d be only too willing to help them out, if only I knew my own way? It’s a mystery to me.
But about the second part of your post: I confirm the fact that we are walled-in, literally in some cases. My neighbor on one side decided one year to pull up the hedge and to have a wall built instead (he had serious medical reasons for that). Since then, we’ve hardly talked, and we almost went to court over a tree of mine that was hanging over the d*** wall. I used to chat with his wife across the hedge, we had conversations. Now she’s very sick and I hardly ever see her, and they won’t have visitors. Isn’t that a pity?
Nadine Touzets last blog post..Twitter Updates for 2008-07-15
Robert Hruzek says
Mrs. MZM has the same gift, so I know whereof you speak. I first noticed it right after we got married. Whenever we’re together, and someone speaks to us, they invariably look in her eyes, not mine.
At first I thought, “What am I, chopped liver?” But I soon realized it was completely unconscious on their part.
I think some folks are somehow more sensitive to others’ spirits, if you know what I mean. Somehow they sense your sensitivity and caring spirit, and subconsciously want to respond.
Robert Hruzeks last blog post..Hidden Potential
Karen Swim says
Friar, it’s funny I initially wanted to be a psychiatrist! I only changed my mind after deciding it would be too depressing. In later years I considered becoming a life coach for many of the same reasons I wanted to pursue psychology. I guess there are some things you just can’t shake! LOL!
Alina, I am not surprised to find that you are a good friend! Last night I had a long IM chat with blogger and Twitter bud, Daniel Smith. Even though it was IM it felt like a long phone conversation with a good friend. It was just the two of us yakking away. So, technology does not have to impede our ability to connect it can help. The trick is making time for it. 🙂
Wendi, I knew you were a member of the club! LOL! When I go to my hairdresser, it’s the other way around. One day, I am going to unload on a stranger just to be on the other side. 🙂 Your last point strikes a chord with me too. I listen a lot but rarely reveal much. I am trying to work on that too.
Wendi Kelly says
I have that neon light on my forehead. People tell me everything. Not really a surprise afteer being a hairdresser and a Realtor for years and years. I know more than their Shrinks.
The thing is they are sometimes less inhibited about telling a stranger. You don’t know them…you can’t/won’t judge them…it doesn’t really matter what you think of them. Talking to a friend or family member, they have to risk losing that person in their life if they are unaccepted for their tale.
I…for all of my work in learning how to be a two-way friendship person am still more apt to listen than talk. I still have to work on that.
Alina Popescu says
Confess to complete strangers? Not really. I did talk about deep issues with people I hadn’t known for too long but with whom I felt a strong connection. I feel we’re all neglecting friends and family these days, keeping busy and forgetting about other more important needs.
I currently make a point to meet at least one friend outside of work each week and see my family every couple of weeks. It doesn’t always work, but that’s what phones, emails and instant messengers are for, to keep connected until we make more time 🙂
Alina Popescus last blog post..Keep Your Audience In Mind Every Step of the Way
Friar says
Hmmmm….the way people open up to you, it sounds like you have a 2nd hidden talent.
If you ever get tired of doing what you do, I bet you’d make a good counsellor, social worker or psychiatrist.
(Or, if you don’t want to go back to school for that long, maybe start giving Tarot Card readings.
Bet you there’s good money in that! 🙂
Friars last blog post..Another Typical Week Here…