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Disclaimer: This post is about anger but IS NOT promoting anger or the expression of anger against others. As you read, keep in mind that I am speaking of healthy anger that put me in touch with my own choices and actions. I do not in any way advocate anger or the expression of anger against others. In fact, if you are routinely given to anger at self or others please seek help.
Sometimes you have to get mad to go to the next level. This is true whether you work for someone else or own your own business. Anger in many ways gets a bad rap. We shy away from it and have an arsenal of tips to diffuse it and calm ourselves down. We have time outs, cleansing breaths, yoga and soothing tunes on her iPod and most of the time that’s a great thing.
I live for the Zen. Seriously. I take great steps to anchor my days in a foundation of peace. But nothing compares to the fiery power of anger. It is raw, real and emerges from the deepest place when what you truly value is threatened, endangered or tested in some way. Anger puts us in touch with our passion and can move us to act without over analyzing or procrastinating. Anger can cause us to place our stake in the ground and take a stand forgetting momentarily our quiet, polite ways. And sometimes you need to get mad enough to raise your voice and be heard.
For years I was slow to anger and unfailingly kind. I did not seek the spotlight and quietly just put my head down and did good work. I got mad on behalf of others but never for myself. I was good at turning the other cheek. If I felt anger rising, I retreated to my prayer closet. Most of the time this was a great thing until it wasn’t. I was so nice that I was not being heard or respected. My needs were not at the bottom of the list they were not even on the list! I denied myself for others and watched as they achieved their dreams.
And then I got angry, not the vindictive, bitter kind of anger but righteous indignation – the head rolling, finger snapping how dare I kind of anger. For the first time I did not deny it but let it loose. I allowed the dam to burst and I rode the wave of action.
If your career or business is not where you want it to be then maybe it’s time for you to get mad. If you have talent and specialized skills that are just not receiving notice, perhaps it’s time to unleash your anger. You don’t need a secret magic quiet sure fire tactic. You do not need a drink or a pep talk. You just need to get so mad that you are no longer inhibited by nice, conventional reason that tells you to be nice your time will come. Your time is here if you’re mad enough to grab your slot.
I got mad. I got mad that I was quietly sitting on skills and knowledge that could truly benefit others because I was trying to be polite. I got mad that people were asking questions that I could answer but they did not know I existed. I got mad that I was comfortable not asking for what I needed. I got mad and I made things happen.
Am I still nice? You bet. However, I learned how to be nice without being a doormat. I learned that I can’t really meet the needs of others if I’m not willing to stand up for myself. I learned that even though 100 million people do what I do that it does not diminish what I have to offer. I don’t have to be the best I just have to be the best me.
Anger took me where nice never could. Anger pinned me down and forced me to look squarely in the mirror of my soul and examine my passion. It made me acknowledge that I matter and made me fight for my passion.
Zen is awesome but a little anger every once in a while can be a very good thing.
How about you? Does anger scare you and if so why? Have you ever used anger in a positive way?
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In a short answer, yes! For a longer answer, it’s necessary to look at the reasons we, as women, tend to turn it inwards and very often translate it into one of the other major emotions – either sadness, guilt or fear. (It’s usually sadness)
As anger is supposedly unseemly for women this is a major issue. We women are very often able to intuitively understand where someone else is coming from, we can very become a door mat simply by ‘tuning in’ to understanding someone else’s issue or perspective.
I’ve found over the years that if something isn’t either easy or comfortable then I’m probably masking some form or anger (and so are my clients!)
There’s a fine line between what Brad calls ballistic anger and principled anger. Anger is so important – it’s the definition of being loved (or respected) enough, according to our principles/values.
The problem tends to arise when an individual is expressing unreasonable or unwarranted responses to situations which would generally not generate such. The marker here is whether everyone responds to the same situation the same way, or whether it’s just one individual – this determines the magnitude of a situation and whether it’s unreasonable or not!
So true, Karen. Timing is important as well. In the workplace, I’d always counsel sales reps and customer service personnel to avoid performing autopsies on projects gone wrong while in the heat of battle. Better to cool off and then get into assessing responsibility. When people are upset, they play the blame game and say things they don’t really mean. The effects can be long lasting and make it difficult for people on the same team to work together.
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..Business Grammar Tips from the Chicago Manual of Style =-.
I say better out there than on my hips Janice or anywhere internal where it festers and grows destroying me. 🙂
“For anger to be effective, it has to rise above mere emotion and become a conscious attitude.”Brad, very well said and I agree. I can’t see me going ballistic because that would be very bad but it’s been beneficial to acknowledge rather than deny the feeling and then use it in a constructive way. I think that’s the trick with everything. When people cry, we say “don’t cry” rather than allowing them to express it in a healthy way. Better to cry if you need to than to internalize, become depressed and eat a gallon of ice-cream. Not that I would ever do that either, but I would eat a small container of soy or almond milk ice cream. 🙂
Jackie, what a profound insight. I can see how women are trained to not be angry. Do you find that not expressing healthy anger results in turning it inward? In my family we were encouraged to share what we felt but I always struggled with not wanting to hurt other’s feelings so I’ve had to work at it.
Joanna, your comment brings to mind the “fire breathing dragon” you and Amy wrote about so long ago. Those posts and the original story still fill me with a sense of power. I can understand fearing unleashing that kind of passion, I think a part of me did too. Giving it voice though has been freeing and allowed me to accept the full range of humanity. Most importantly it made me want to fight for this thing I love.
I agree, as women we do tend to keep our anger sublimated, or maybe channelled…because it has to go somewhere.
Karen, I’m forced to agree with Joanna again: very interesting topic. There are two types of anger: righteous anger, when you take a stand on principle; and flying off the handle, when you go ballistic because you’re stuck in traffic. For me, the latter type of anger is 100% ineffective. But as you point out there are times when anger can be a motivator that takes you to a higher level. Anger has to be channeled carefully, though. It isn’t easy, because anger tends to diminish our capacity to think rationally. For anger to be effective, it has to rise above mere emotion and become a conscious attitude.
Anger is such an under rated emotion, it’s lovely to see you address it so positively.
Over the years in my therapy practice it’s become very obvious that women in particular are ‘trained’ in the belief that it’s not a good thing to show their anger and very quickly learn to bottle it up thereby causing them untold problems with their inability to fully express themselves.
As you beautifully point out, the trick is in using it as an emotion for action and channelling it into something constructive and not destructive.
This is really interesting Karen, and it makes perfect sense to me. I’m in the scared of being angry brigade, so I’m keep hold of this for the time(s) when I need to read it and have the courage to breathe out fire.