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What I Learned From Love

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Written by Karen D. Swim

I sat by his bed with the notebook by my side. The day was warm and clear and I gazed into the backyard as he slept. He had worked so hard on the yard and it was one of our favorite things about our lovely little home. A vegetable garden right outside our bedroom window provided us with beautiful tomatoes, peppers, corn, herbs and greens. An array of beautiful blooms surrounded the yard like the borders of a frame. The trees seemed to gently watch over us as they stretched toward the sky.

A few weeks ago he had cut down huge branches from the tress closest to the house.  He seemed like a man possessed. I hated watching trees being trimmed and my eyes brimmed with tears as I feared he was cutting too much.  I asked him what he was doing. Without missing a beat with the saw he told me he had to do it while he could so I would not have to worry. My husband was not romantic in the traditional sense but his practical gestures of love were like a sonnet written upon my heart.

His gentle breathing quickened and I shook from my reverie, returning to the present. I looked over, ready to spring into action when he looked toward the right of the room. His brows knitted together, he asked “who are all those people?” I followed his eyes and asked softly, “What people honey?” “All those people, dressed in white.” I swallowed the lump in my throat before responding, “those are the angels honey they are watching over you.” Pleased with my answer he continued to look at them in silence. I don’t know what he saw but I felt a mixture of peace and sadness. I could not bear to let this man go, so many things left undone, but I knew that if it were to be he would be gently carried away to a far better place.

The following week I calmly called 911 when he struggled to breathe. I opened the notebook and gave the paramedics a full history of all that happened that day, blood pressure, pulse, glucose, medications, and more. They eyed me in amazement but love had taught me to keep track. I drove behind the ambulance to the hospital, making phone calls along the way. Once again, I sat by his bed, comforting, praying and loving him. Soon he was being wheeled to ICU and our hands locked together, I leaned in and told him I wanted him to live but if he needed to let go, I would be okay.

The words so easily tumbled from my lips in spite of the pain in my heart because love had taught me to put it first. It was not my pain that mattered but his peace. That was to be our final night. No words were left unspoken as the angels gently carried him away.  Love taught me to embrace it fiercely, and cherish it deeply but to release it when the time came for it to soar to the heavens.

I learned from love how to let go.

This post is a contribution to the February What I Learned From groupwrite project. I struggled to hit publish on this one and Robert gently encouraged me and graciously offered to accept my late entry. Thank you Robert!

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Comments

  1. Janice,

    I couldn’t agree more about that “cape across the road” and I open my own car doors and run my own business. Maybe that’s why when right out of the blue, there he is with the little things…that one little annoyance checked off before I even really knew it was getting on my nerves….I feel like he just handed me a rose.

    Wendi Kelly- Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog post..Inspiring Tips to Solve Procrastination for Good

  4. @ Janice @Wendi, we could literally write a series on “true romance” eh? I love your description Wendi of “thoughtful romance.” How true! The grand gestures are nice but those thoughtful little things can make a woman’s heart melt faster than a chocolate bar in 99 degree weather.

  5. Jan, I am fiercely hugging you back! Your wonderful, loving, sensitive artist’s heart totally connected and described it all so beautifully. No wonder your paintings have such soul and depth. 🙂 The man totally did not understand why women loved flowers (they die, I don’t get it) but shining my shoes before a meeting or hacking off branches now that’s something he could wrap his head around. 🙂

  6. Alina, I am so glad I lived it to be able to share it. I want everyone to experience this kind of love. The awesome thing about love is the more you give the more your heart expands to accept more.

  7. Ha! I made Friar speechless, noting date on calendar for annual celebration. 🙂 Friar, seriously, I can’t wait to meet you one day, I promise to bring you iced cold beer and a burger (although I can’t promise it won’t be soy). 🙂

  8. Meryl, I am holding your words close to my heart. While this post was hard, sharing it with all of you definitely allowed me to relive such joy and to count my blessings all over again. Hugs to you!

  9. Wendi, when you speak of your wonderful husband and the love you share it never fails to warm my heart and bring a smile to my face. John is lucky but I imagine he’d say the same about you. Your words touch my heart so deeply for I know that you also have known great pain but also have such great love. Hugs back!

  10. Conor, as I read your comment I closed my eyes with you. Thank you for letting me remember and for so graciously sharing it with me.

  11. Karl, I think all of us to some degree spend our whole lives learning to let go. It starts small with the toys in the playpen and gets bigger (like kids, pets, etc.). 🙂 You’re not alone.

  12. Lillie, my dear, so good to see you back on your feet. I have missed you! Thank you for being willing to share it with me. Big huge hugs, so very glad you’re back! 🙂

  13. Robert, the picture of you hat over heart made tears (the good kind) well up in my eyes. Reading your comment reminded me of your Light post which Joanna shared with me and I printed and keep in my notebook. You are such an inspiration. Thank you.

  14. Brad, you articulated the beauty of life in your comments. I love “vast difference between sadness and despair.” Aww, poetic and so true. Thank you my friend, and God bless you.

  16. Actually, its interesting what I find romantic after all of these years.
    Not that I would turn down flowers, but finding out that John filled up the gas tank in my car while he was out getting milk, to save me an extra five minutes the next time I went out…

    Or to come home on a Friday night to find him surprising me with a glass of wine, cooking a fine dinner of Chicken Marsella…

    or cleaning up the debris in the backyard so that we can sit and enjoy an evening on the back patio later on at night.

    I guess- romance for me is thoughtfullness.

    Karen, your husband sounds like he had thoughtful romance down pat.

    You know…I have a few friends who have never had a great love because they are too afraid of being hurt, too afraid of having their heart broken and experiencing the kind of pain that you have had to go through. But then again, they have no idea what an amazing miracle a great love can be. I am happy that you both had that time to enjoy that.

    Wendi Kelly- Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog post..Inspiring Tips to Solve Procrastination for Good

  17. Tucked away treasures we hold in our hearts….how generous you ‘ve been today. To carefully unwrap the silken ribbons, to prise away the latch… Tears , Karen, sad ones for you and for him, but sweet ones too for the love you shared…love calls us to do things…to be things we never know we can be until there it is right in front of us staring us in the face and somehow, we do it. We do those things that we would rather not do, lose those things we would rather not lose. Find meaning in what we can keep in our hearts.

    But I am smiling too, sheesh what a guy, he trimmed the trees for you while he could? Some guys think it ‘s romance we want. And we do, but that… that is love.

    And I am smiling for you. This took raw strength of will and heart. Good going, Karen, good going that. You know I am sending you fierce hugs right back don’t you?

    Janice Cartier´s last blog post..Manly Men, Hearts, and Wide Open Spaces

  20. What a beautiful story. This can be told so many ways, but you found the perfect way to tell it and move us all. I’m sorry to hear you had to go through this with the love of your life. I do hope the memory of you and your husband’s love of the yard put a smile on your face.

    Thanks for sharing, Karen.

    Hugs,
    Meryl

  23. Hi Karen,

    What a moving piece of writing. I can close my eyes and picture the scene, with heavy heart for your loss and pain.

    I always find that love allows me to see and feel extraordinary things in what seem like ordinary moments. But no moments are ordinary, or routine, each is coloured with it’s own sense of place, time and perspective.

    Thank you for sharing these precious moments with us.

    You are truly an inspiration.

    Conor

  24. What a beautiful story. That must have been so hard. I can’t even imagine. I like how you learned from the situation. When we see all the love within any situation there is always some joy there.

    Letting go has been a weakness of mine. I try to hold on to things, but over time I’ve learned to enjoy change – it’s been a slow process 🙂

    Love does teach us to let go and that’s a lesson that we all need to learn many times through our lives.

    Karl Staib – Work Happy Now´s last blog post..Celebrate the Google Way

  26. Karen, I thank you for choosing to share your heart here. My hat is over my heart.

    Your courage will be an inspiration to someone – God knows who they will be.

  28. Andrew, thank you for being a friend and for sharing in the moment. Also thank you for encouraging us to all think deeper about business practices. You truly are a good man with a keen mind.

  29. Joanna, I am so happy to be able to share the love with others. Although some see it as a sad ending, I only see the great gift – to love and be loved, tis a wonderful and wondrous thing. I am forever grateful for the years I spent with him. I also have found such joy in wonderful friends like you who support, encourage, challenge and make me laugh. Thank you my dear friend. xo

  30. @Ulla, I am so sorry for your pain and hope that you know you’re not alone. You have made so many friends through blogging and I think they would agree with me that we are so thankful that you decided to blog in English. Although you have experienced great pain you have such a wonderful, upbeat spirit. You make us all feel good whenever you’re around. You dear Ulla are already writing and living up to the description. 🙂

  31. Karen,

    Like Ulla and Joanna said, this is a very moving peace and I thank you for having the courage to share it.

    I can’t possibly imagine just how hard it must have been for you to let him go, and it sounds like you summoned up amazing courage to let him go in spite of the pain which you must have been feeling.

    Also, thank you for the inclusion of my discussion on your list.

    Andrew´s last blog post..Employee rights and responsibilities part 9: Cultural differences or abuse of rights?

  32. Karen, I am glad that you found the courage to publish this, and that Robert encouraged you to do so. It’s a a beautiful, moving piece of writing and I’m sure many people will take comfort from it, and develop their understanding of what this thing called love is.

    I hope it is some comfort to you to know that no words were left unspoken, and that you gave your husband such a precious gift of allowing him to go in peace.

    Much love my friend

    x

    Joanna Young´s last blog post..The Language of Love

  33. Karen,
    your story moved me to tears. It so much reminds me of the moment I had to let my husband go: “It was no my pain which mattered but his peace” – yes! Thank you very much for sharing your experience and your feelings here.
    And thank you also for including my contribution in your Wednesday’s love list! “The muse court of Berlin” – that’s a description I have to write up to…

    Ulla Hennig´s last blog post..The Old Lady

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