Written by Karen D. Swim
I am sad today. Even as I type that I wonder if this post will get published. After all, I could simply skip posting today and no one would be the wiser, right? I’m not big on public confessions or pity parties. I like to work through it and move on. So, I could be silent as I normally am, but I know myself too well, this will get published in it’s rambling, unedited honesty. I would feel like a fake and liar if I did not share with you this moment when I have so willingly shared so many others.
The sadness washed over me with the morning light. My legs felt heavier when I rose from the bed. It was expected in a way but so completely unexpected that I was not quite prepared for it. Then again, can you really prepare for sadness? You see today would have been my husband’s 51st birthday. There have been many birthdays since his passing but for some reason on this one I am melancholy.
Perhaps it is my own 45th birthday 4 days away that has made me vulnerable to reflective moments. I don’t know and I’m not even sure that I want to analyze it or figure it out. I do know that grief is a funny thing. It is not something that you start and finish. Like the tide it flows out and may be gone for years and then one day it rises and you may find yourself pulled under by its force. It may last a moment or a day and then as quickly as it came it is gone.
At first I did not realize why I was sad. I thought I was tired or just needed water. But as the grey fog persisted, I knew. My secret is out, I’m human. I hate being confronted with that reality but it’s true.
I have been here before and I know that it’s possible by the time this is published, I’ll be okay again. But then again, I may not be and that is okay too. And because I always like to have a point, I guess my point today is “feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” Okay, so it’s not an eloquent point but it is a point. Seriously, these blue moments remind me of my capacity to love another human being. The grey makes me appreciate the sunshine. Even as I shed a tear over what is lost, my heart sings in gratitude for all that I have now and all that is to come.
Sometimes the only way to get through is by acknowledging where you are in this moment. I could allow shame to prevent me from admitting a weakness but I’d much rather be true to you and myself and admit, today I need a little help.
Karen Swim says
Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. At times like these words seem so inadequate. If you wake up sad and need a friend, I’m here for you.
Hugs, Karen
Melissa Donovan says
Karen, this is exactly why I admire you so much – your honesty and willingness to show how human you are is an incredible inspiration to me. I’m so sorry that you had a sad day but you’re right – it’s okay to feel the grief. I lost my beloved grandfather just one week ago and I know that there will be many days in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead when I will wake up sad and I will always remember that it’s okay and in fact, it’s right to feel that way sometimes.
Melissa Donovan´s last blog post..Why Proofreading Matters
Karen Swim says
@Terry, you were dancing in moderation, no doubt to a very good tune 🙂 but I have freed you. Big hugs right back my friend, your warmth was felt across the miles.
@Roland, I’m so glad I met you!
@Jamie, I am thinking of you, praying for you and ready with a hug and a listening ear. Anytime my friend, anytime.
@Nancy, I smiled as I read your comments because you are one of the most giving people I know. No matter what’s happening in your own life you rush to meet the needs of anyone who needs help. You’re always there with an answer, resource, recipe, laugh and always, always happiness. Speaking of angels…your halo shines so brightly. 🙂
@Rebecca your thoughts and prayers were felt so deeply. Thank you!
@Robyn, those words truly lift me up. We creative types do seem to share that trait and you’re right we can shift the focus from blue to happy – most of the time – but sometimes a little help from your friends is just what the doctor ordered. Thanks for being one of them.:-)
Robyn McMaster says
Karen, we all face blue days because memories can play on the mind. I am glad you found encouragement. You show much courage to be vulnerable.
I, too, am subject to the blues… I have learned to shift my focus over to a particular happy event with the loved one and replay that happy event. The memory reminds me of the joy and happiness I shared. It changes my focus and truly helps. It also takes some time and the encouragement of your wonderful friends!
Robyn McMaster´s last blog post..Obama’s an Avid Reader – You?
Rebecca Smith says
Karen,
Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts from your heart. I will say a special prayer for you and your husband today.
Rebecca Smith´s last blog post..The ampersand: form & function
Nancy B says
There is no shame in raising your hand and letting others know that it is your turn.
Friends are angels who lift up your wings when you forget how to fly.
You have helped so many fly so strong and so far… my hope is that these comments, the actions of those closer at hand, and some high quality interactions over the next week… all come together to lift you to a happier place.
Nancy B´s last blog post..Women of Twitter 2009 Edition
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write says
Karen, your post reminds me that it’s just a few days away from the 8th anniversary of the accident that took my mother’s life…
Sigh.
A big hug from me.
If not for the well of our sadness, where would we draw the waters of happiness? And how would we measure the sweetness of life?
Jamie Grove – How Not To Write´s last blog post..Help Me With My 2009 Clarion West Choices Maybe Win A Book
Roland Hesz says
A late hug to you Karen.
Roland Hesz´s last blog post..Johnny Bunko
Karen Swim says
@ Friar, I meant hugging you NOT in a creepy way, hehehehe!
@Branden, *blushing* I am rather fond of supeheroine boots and what girl doesn’t love a good cape? 😉 but I’ m human but nothing prevents me from dressing like a superwoman! 🙂
@Ulla, you are never late my dear friend! My thoughts, prayers and hugs across the miles are with you. I hope you know that I’m here for you too! xoxoox
@Janice, I can’t remember if that is Keats, going to look it up but it is beautiful and fitting! Skies are once again blue in a good way and I’m thinking pink thoughts of you. 🙂
Stacy Lukas says
Aww … thanks for the plug!
Stacy Lukas´s last blog post..Today’s word, boys and girls, is “boundaries”
Karen Swim says
@Evelyn, big hugs to you! Your words felt like a warm embrace and I really, really appreciate them. Your warmth and kindness never fail to shine through every word you write. Bless you dear Evelyn, bless you!
@Kelly, big dimples and chiseled biceps, he taught me things I’d never known and was one of my staunchest supporters but then we January babies are pretty cool kids, eh? 🙂 Big hugs to you Kelly!
@Stacy, ROFL! You know I so relate, and love that you used my favorite surf language! But yes, yes! What is this crazy thing we created where we are pretending that we are infallible?
For those who don’t know Stacy is a talented writer who you can follow on twitter (damnedredhead) or Facebook. She is warm, funny and smart as heck!
@Lillie, I know how much you have overcome in your own life but you are always so upbeat and so willing to help. Thank you so much for your kind words Lillie!
@Alex, so true, and I did hate admitting it! LOL! Blue definitely turned to sunny, rainbows even! Reading your blog helped! 🙂
Janice Cartier says
( Not so bad a day after all was it, you human you… have a nice citrus eye opener this am and know we care…about that spring in your step and that smile in your eyes.
Was it Keats?…..”A thing of beauty is a joy forever: its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness.”….. )
😉
Hope you’re feeling better.
Janice Cartier´s last blog post..Why Robert Redford Is A Hero
Ulla Hennig says
Karen,
sorry I come so late – big, big hugs from over the ocean! I know how you feel – in a few days it will be two years since my husband died. And you are right about this feeling of sadness – it takes a picture, a film, even a certain kind of restaurant, and then this feeling of sadness comes like a wave. What helps me in those situations of grief is the feeling, that whereever my husband is now, he would like to see me happy, enjoying life instead of the loss. So I let come grief, and I let it go again.
I am glad that you have such a big trust in your readers’ community that you hit that “publish” button, and I am proud to be part of that.
Love
Ulla
Ulla Hennig´s last blog post..No Ferry today!
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome says
Karen:
Big hugs and I hope that the grey day has opened up to sunnier skies today.
I especially love the line: My secret is out, I’m human. I hate being confronted with that reality but it’s true.
So many of us want to hide the fact that we’re human. Good for you for acknowledging it.
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome´s last blog post..The number one spot is for losers
Terry Starbucker says
Hi Karen – Wow. I too add my thanks for sharing these feelings; there is so much we can learn from your courage to do so. Especially, the point about “feeling what we need to feel”. As you point out, our ability to do this heightens the more positive emotions of love and gratefulness, and that’s a very good thing indeed. My hugs go out to you too, my friend, and I wish you the very best.
Terry
Terry Starbucker´s last blog post..A Frank Talk With My Friend Fear
Lillie Ammann says
Karen,
Your sadness is a tribute to your great love, and your sharing it is an inspiration.
Lillie Ammann´s last blog post..New Voices Deadline Nears
Stacy Lukas says
All I can say is a great, big, giant I CAN TOTALLY RELATE.
I wrote a post on my other site recently about not being afraid to admit your weaknesses and the fact that you’re human, and I’m so glad that I’m actually reading a real person admitting that they’re a real person. It’s easy for some to pretend they’re Superman on the web, but dude … everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time, online or off … well, except maybe firemen, who I hear jump in both legs at once and then pull them up, but you know what I mean.
I’m so behind on my RSS feeds but I’m glad I stopped by, and I’m not going to stay away so long again. Your stuff is just too good to pass by.
Stacy Lukas´s last blog post..Today’s word, boys and girls, is “boundaries”
Kelly says
Karen,
My thoughts are with you. I’m a firm believer in allowing feelings, rather than stifling or trying to change them. Mine will definitely come back and bite me if I ignore them, and I can always “seize the day” some other day.
I missed your January baby for you, as I read. This post is a lovely tribute to how much his memory still means to you. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Warm hugs,
Kelly
Kelly´s last blog post..The Open Box
Evelyn Lim says
Hello Karen,
Bravo to your honesty!! Feeling sad sometimes is being human. Why deny that? Also just because you publish self improvement tips on your site does not make you superhuman!! I don’t expect it. Rather, I welcome your authenticity and that is why I have been coming back to your site ever since I came upon it last year.
If you don’t already know it, I see you as a beacon of light on the blogosphere! Your writing is inspirational. I am also not saying this just to make you feel better. It is really true!!
More hugs to you as you embrace every part of yourself!! Let me know how else I can assist you, ok?
Sincerely,
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..Ideas For Soul Growth In 2009
Karen Swim says
@soultravellers Your words and the quote are so beautiful. I feel the love and am happily dancing in its embrace. Hugging you and sending love right back to you. 🙂
@Wendi, you are a lighthouse in the storm. Thank you for the hugs and prayers, they are so deeply felt and warmly received.
@Brad, I believe you! You all have proven that to me today. Thank you!!
@Janice, I could use some awesome cajun food but I’ll have to just close my eyes and remember. 🙂 Your words are like your painting – every stroke is breathtaking. Thanks for being here for me. 🙂
@Friar, I am hugging you but in a creepy way. I’m also sorry about your Dad and if you ever need a friend…I’m here. Pizza? You know that actually sounds good. I’ve already done the nothing part all day, well I read blogs and tweeted, lol! I got in late on your latest hijacking but good golly it was another A+ takeover 😉 Pizza with bananas, bwahhahaha
Karen Swim says
@Rhodie, you are an angel! Thank you! Hey, look for an email too with updates 🙂
@Steve, so true that the feelings are because of love, and I am eternally grateful that I loved and was loved.
@Brett, with you my friend, I know you hear my heart, no words needed. 🙂
@Robert, big hat, big heart 🙂 I needed that extra beat today, thanks for standing with me. 🙂
@Sonia, a big hug back to you! Just seeing your smiling face warms my heart! ( you know on my facebook or twitter stream, I mean, duh *grin*)
@Amy, thanks for twitter love!You had me back bouncing in no time. Hugs!
@Joely, thanks for that, I was going to feel guilty for letting the day be unproductive, but sometimes it’s just better that way. Thank you, thank you.
@Charis, I am so thankful! I never expected the huge amount of support and it really made a difference! 🙂
@Joanna, your support to be audacious and Amy’s challenge to throw off the veil helped to give me courage to be real. Thank you my friend. xoxxox
@Sharon, thank you for sharing it with me. I started the day lonely and blue but thanks to all of you the blue simply became part of a beautiful rainbow of colors. 🙂
@Rosa, oh my heart was so filled by your words that I am crying once again. Your generous spirit and loving heart are such a great blessing. Thank you for sharing Rosa and aloha hugs to you my dear friend!
Karen Swim says
Everyone, I have read your comments and I am so glad I hit “publish.” I have tears in my eyes as I type this but not tears of sadness, tears of absolute gratitude that each of you took the time from your day to stop in and offer me a much needed word of support and encouragement. I will respond to each of you but I am so touched that I can’t get through it right now, hard to type when your eyes are blurry with tears. Ah golly, I am going to get really mushy so better quit now but know that your kindness has meant the world to me today. My heart and spirits are lifted, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Friar says
@Karen
Aww. I’d give you a hug if I was there.
I get days like that. All of the sudden, out of the blue, I miss my Dad. Then I don’t really feel like functionning very much for the rest of the day.
When I’m like that, I dont’ try to fight it. I acknowledge my sadness, and I try to be nice to myself. Read a book, order pizza, watch TV, or take a sick day off work (if possible).
Just pamper myself, show myself some compassion, until the grief storm eventually abates and rides itself out. (Which it always inevitably does).
I dunno if that helps, but it seems to work for me. Sort of.
But it gets a little bit easier, each time.
Janice Cartier says
HE was a January baby too?
I am sending you big hugs. And a smile. He’s there, in your heart. Not as comforting as we’d like sometimes, but true.
There’s a laugh I miss, actually several, but I smile too, knowing that I got to share those laughs and the twinkle in those eyes for awhile.
The only cure for death is living. So maybe do something nice for yourself today. You’ve already done that for us. Thanks for letting us know.
Janice Cartier´s last blog post..Why Robert Redford Is A Hero
Brad Shorr says
Karen, My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you will have joyful days ahead.
Brad Shorr´s last blog post..Get More Blog Traffic with Adgitize – Guest Post by Ken Brown
Branden Williams says
Thanks for sharing Karen! Even though you are superhuman, it is ok to be just human every once in a while. I love reading your entries, and enjoy your enthusiasm. Thanks for being you!
Wendi Kelly- Life's Little Inspirations says
Karen,
You are very loved by so many people. And one of the reasons you are is your honesty and capacity to feel.
I am sending hugs and prayers and the faith that brighter days will be back soon.
Wendi Kelly- Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog post..Inspired Movies
soultravelers3 says
Thank you for sharing. I believe acceptance is the first law of Spirit, so it is healing to hear you just acknowledge what is present with you. Grief and sadness are part of the human experience and perhaps one of the hardest to accept and even embrace.
Your words made me think of this quote:
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ” ~Kahlil Gibran
It also make me want to send some love through cyberspace that sprinkles like star dust all the way to you from Spain and then surrounds you and enfold you.
Peace!
soultravelers3´s last blog post..Family Travel Photo-Germany
Rosa Say says
My first thought in reading this Karen, was that he would (must be) so proud of you, to know all you have accomplished since he departed, a strong woman left behind for now perhaps, but not at all left alone. The world dances and delights when you are in it, and I feel so blessed to be hearing and singing your music.
As for this:
“I’d much rather be true to you and myself and admit, today I need a little help.”
Hooray! You honor us with your trust and your faith in us.
And if I may, about the little help? I too think that grief ebbs and flows for us over the years, and we have to let that happen, “float on the tide” so to speak. It has helped me to create a little ritual for myself on the birthdays of those who are no longer walking our earth, a way to keep telling them thank you for the impressions they made on me. Here is one sample: Stephen was my first husband, and he’d died in a boating accident. http://tinyurl.com/6xo36w
It may also resonate with your 90-day experiment right now too!
Aloha hugs Karen,
Rosa
Rosa Say´s last blog post..Book Review: The Eyre Affair (Thursday Next, Book 1) by Jasper Fforde
Sharon says
Thanks for sharing this, Karen. My thoughts are with you.
Sharon´s last blog post..Personal Productivity: An Interim Report
Joanna Young says
Karen, thank you so much for having the courage to share what you’re feeling today. Your words help to make the world more human, and more full of love.
Thank you.
Joanna Young´s last blog post..Audacious Writing Goals for 2009
Charis says
Beautifully honest. Be glad you shared 🙂
Joely Black says
I’ve known these days very well. Sometimes, you just have to be that way.
Joely Black´s last blog post..This is me, not getting up at 5am
Amy says
Hugs to you, my friend.
Amy´s last blog post..Ever Felt Like Divorcing Your Blog?
Sonia Simone says
A great big hug for you
Sonia Simone´s last blog post..Why This is the Best Time to Finally Break Free
Robert Hruzek says
“feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it.”
Too often we don’t allow ourselves that moment, that minute, that hour or that whatever we need – to feel what we need to feel. Our culture tells us to buck up, keep going, put on a happy face. But you’ve chosen the human thing, Karen; the brave thing: to take time out and feel.
Thanks for the reminder of our own humanness too, and my heart stands beside yours today.
Brett Legree says
A prayer for you – and a hug. You’re not alone.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..week 6 – final exam.
Steve says
Karen,
I am sad and sorry for the loss of your husband. My wife and I also find that the grief comes and goes in waves. You are so right when you say, “feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” We tell each other, when one is having their down day, to just let yourself be sad and let it run its course. No need to apologize or be embarrassed. They’re your feelings for someone you love.
Steve´s last blog post..That Name Looks Familiar…
RhodesTer says
Wow Karen, sorry to hear about this. I know how you feel, which is little consolation. Yes, it passes. But then later, it returns. Might as well make grief feel at home, it’s such a part of us.
Have the kind of day your husband would want you to have. I didn’t know him, but I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t be a day wrapped in grief but rather one of quiet contemplation and thankfulness for what once was, no matter how finite
RhodesTer´s last blog post..Someday