Written by Karen D. Swim
I am sad today. Even as I type that I wonder if this post will get published. After all, I could simply skip posting today and no one would be the wiser, right? I’m not big on public confessions or pity parties. I like to work through it and move on. So, I could be silent as I normally am, but I know myself too well, this will get published in it’s rambling, unedited honesty. I would feel like a fake and liar if I did not share with you this moment when I have so willingly shared so many others.
The sadness washed over me with the morning light. My legs felt heavier when I rose from the bed. It was expected in a way but so completely unexpected that I was not quite prepared for it. Then again, can you really prepare for sadness? You see today would have been my husband’s 51st birthday. There have been many birthdays since his passing but for some reason on this one I am melancholy.
Perhaps it is my own 45th birthday 4 days away that has made me vulnerable to reflective moments. I don’t know and I’m not even sure that I want to analyze it or figure it out. I do know that grief is a funny thing. It is not something that you start and finish. Like the tide it flows out and may be gone for years and then one day it rises and you may find yourself pulled under by its force. It may last a moment or a day and then as quickly as it came it is gone.
At first I did not realize why I was sad. I thought I was tired or just needed water. But as the grey fog persisted, I knew. My secret is out, I’m human. I hate being confronted with that reality but it’s true.
I have been here before and I know that it’s possible by the time this is published, I’ll be okay again. But then again, I may not be and that is okay too. And because I always like to have a point, I guess my point today is “feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” Okay, so it’s not an eloquent point but it is a point. Seriously, these blue moments remind me of my capacity to love another human being. The grey makes me appreciate the sunshine. Even as I shed a tear over what is lost, my heart sings in gratitude for all that I have now and all that is to come.
Sometimes the only way to get through is by acknowledging where you are in this moment. I could allow shame to prevent me from admitting a weakness but I’d much rather be true to you and myself and admit, today I need a little help.