Image by ~Aphrodite via Flickr
Written by Karen D. Swim
This morning I went out for a brisk walk. I had a yearning to inhale the frosty morning air and allow it to awaken my senses. I wanted to put aside my to-do list and simply be in the moment. No purpose, no planned route and no running. To make sure I wasn’t tempted I wore my uggs instead of running shoes. It was calming and peaceful. The cold air stung my cheeks and my body seemed to sing with joy “I’m alive!” My feet fell into a quiet rhythm with the quiet of the early hour.
My walk and “real workout” was followed by yoga. Today’s yoga session ended with the posture of giving and receiving. I was struck by the quiet balance, the perfect equality of giving and receiving. I have no trouble with giving but receiving is something I have had to learn.
We love givers. We applaud their grace and generosity and desire to model their altruism but all too often givers are not good at receiving. When you allow others to give to you, you are blessing them with a gift. You give them the opportunity to experience the joy of giving, the joy that fills your own heart so deeply. Don’t deny others the chance to give to you.
Do you find yourself saying things like:
No it’s okay I’m fine
Oh don’t worry I’ll do it
No, no you don’t have to bring anything
If so, it may be time to adjust the balance and accept the gifts that are graciously offered to you.
As a child I often heard the phrase “It is far better to give than to receive.” It was spoken by a generation seemingly afraid of sinking into moral turpitude. The Love Generation was all about peace, love and service. Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful things but we got it wrong.
We spoke of giving as a higher standard, a selfless act. In fact the giver is in a position of power, to receive is humbling. We would much rather give than to admit our need for help. I would rather be the one feeding the hungry than to be hungry myself. However, when we have received, and learned to allow others to serve us it expands our compassion. Our giving becomes deeper and richer because we know what it means to receive.
This season, strive for balance. When help is offered, accept it joyfully. Be willing to let others share the load. They may not do it your way but humble yourself and allow them to give.
Are you able to strike the balance of giving and receiving? Do you have any tips to share? Do you find it especially difficult at this time of year?
If you want to celebrate the generosity of others, Robert Hruzek’s latest group writing project is the perfect opportunity. The theme is What I Learned From…the Generosity of Others and you have until December 7th to submit an entry.
Karen Swim says
Hi Pablo,
You are never too late to the conversation. Thank you so much for stopping by and for leaving a comment! Karen
Pablo says
Hello Karen,
I love what you wrote, I really enjoyed reading your post. I know I am a little late to post but i didn’t miss the chance to let you know that I felt peace inside of me reading this. I hope you are doing good and please keep me update with your posts.
Thank you very much
Pablo
Karen Swim says
Karin, I cannot think of a better way to sum it up than “giving and accepting is sharing, is creating a better world for all.” I could not agree more!
Karin H says
Hi Karen
I am (was?) fiercely independent and when you’re like that you think you can (must?) take the whole world on your shoulder.
Help me, no way, I’ll do it myself!
I’ll take care of that (so you all know I AM independent, strong etc etc).
That’s a lonely world to live in I discovered. Help is often offered because people who know you know you are strong, independent. They don’t want to take that away, they only want to add to your strongness, independency because they care.
They give because they want to share the load of the world on the world together with you. And by denying their gifts of sharing the load you become in fact weaker.
Giving and accepting is sharing, is creating a better world for all.
Karin H. (Keep It Simple Sweetheart, specially in business)
Karen Swim says
Jamie, lol! Well I would say that you have received an excellent return on your initial investment. I’m still trying to renovate my own humble little soul, still a few leaks and repairs needed. 😉
Karen Swim says
Robyn, wow! I never thought of that perspective but you are right! Takers are absolutely different than receivers. This truly puts this into the proper light. I agree with you that most of us do not want to be seen as takers hence our difficulty with receiving . You always have these wonderful insights, I learn so much from you!
Robyn McMaster says
Many have spoken about receiving gratefully, but I’d like to put just a bit of a different perspective on the idea of giving and receiving.
Some people are givers and others are takers. Taking is not the primary concern of most of us and perhaps it’s why it gives us a twinge when someone else is so generous.
Perhaps one interpretation of the scripture is that it is far better in life to be a giver than a taker. But, takers and receivers are vastly different since it is the primary aim of the taker to receive.
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write says
Robert and Karen,
You wouldn’t believe the deal I got on this old soul… It was a fixer-upper but I think I’ve got it running right now. 🙂
– J
Karen Swim says
Hi Rebecca! It is scary to cede control, we become vulnerable and that requires a fair bit of courage. Letting go is not always easy, especially when you are used to steering the ship but there is such a wonderful freedom when we learn to accept as well as give. I hope your season is filled with both. 🙂
Karen Swim says
Hi Dorian! {{{Hugs}}}} Consider yourself hugged back! 🙂 You are so right about giving creating connections. I think the act of receiving creates an intimacy that may make some people uncomfortable. I’m all for hugging and think the world could use more..more hugging and more chocolate. 🙂
Karen Swim says
Andrew, I love your version of the classic. Let’s spread it around so that others have a new, balanced view of giving and receiving. Thank you Andrew for always being a gracious giver.
Karen Swim says
Carla, you make a great point! Sometimes we struggle with receiving because we don’t want to appear selfish or we don’t feel deserving. Good gosh have I been there! But I am here to tell you, YES you are worthy and deserving. We tend to judge ourselves more harshly than we do others. If you need a reminder, just call me! 🙂
Karen Swim says
Jamie and Robert,
Wow! That one is a stunner for me too! I’ve said it before but Jamie truly does have a wise old soul. “Those people who learn to transcend the need for acceptance also learn that the giving and receiving of gifts can be about something more – it is about love.” – This is profound, I’ve read it several times and it still hits me right there.
Karen Swim says
Hi Donna, such powerful words “we have not because we ask not.” I have heard them often and they are so true. You are wonderfully showing us how to do this in business and it’s funny that we don’t often remember to apply the same life lessons when it comes to work. Thank you so much for sharing Donna!
Rebecca Smith says
This is a lovely post. I, too, struggle with acceptance (of material goods and of difficult news or facts). For me, I think it has to do with control. When I give, I’m in control of the situation. When I receive, I’m not. It’s all about letting go and finding balance. This is the perfect season to be reminded of these things. Thanks, Karen!
Andrew says
Karen,
Your comments are right on here, there are two sides to the giving and receiving equation, and it is very important I feel to learn to be a gracious receiver, as well as a generous giver.
Let me change the old saying a little: “It is better more blessed to give than to receive, but a gracious recipient is a wonderful gift to those who serve them.”
Dorian aka coffeesister |_|) says
I persistently remind my innately generous husband that generosity includes giving & receiving equally. As you say, Karen, giving’s a gift we wouldn’t want to deny anyone else. I’ve needed care-giving consistently — if thankfully not constantly — throughout my life so receiving was never optional thus the lesson granted me early on was to do so graciously. Anything given or received creates a connection &, no matter what form it may take, should not be seen as anything else; who, in their right mind, would turn away a hug? The harder thing is to ask for help but that too can start w/hugs. Consider yourselves hugged..
(|_|*cheers*|_|)
“Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
carla says
I think with receiving, there is a stigma or fear of selfishness that is so easy to feel. I too find myself holding back whether someone is offering me coffee or to write about my blog or website. Questions in the back of my mind…deep in my mind wonder if I’m worthy of the generosity being shown to me. Do I deserve this? I think these are subconscious thoughts wasn’t born yesterday – these are thoughts and feelings that have been around since childhood, our upbringing, the way we were raised.
Robert Hruzek says
OK, now THIS is why I love coming here, Karen!
Jamie’s explanation of why it’s hard to be a receiver is an absolute stunner for me (sound of dull thud hitting back of head)! I’ve never thought of it that way, but it has the (if you’ll pardon the expression) right of truth to it.
Made my day, Jamie! Thanks, and a hat tip to ya!
Jamie Grove - How Not To Write says
I like what you have to say about receiving as a humbling experience, Karen.
For most people, to give a gift is to seek acceptance, and I think this is why so many people have problems receiving gifts. For when you receive a gift, you are not the seeker. You are the giver – the giver of acceptance.
Those people who learn to transcend the need for acceptance also learn that the giving and receiving of gifts can be about something more – it is about love. Love that is given without conditions is the love that is both received and returned by giver and recipient alike.
Donna Maria @ Indie Business says
Hi Karen, great post. Becoming a mother has taught me so much, not only about how to give but also how to ask for and receive. I am now a proud “asker/receiver”. I believe that when we have not, it’s probably because we’ve asked not. I give all that I feel led to give, and I ask for (and usually receive) all that I feel led to ask for. And the thing I ask for more is help: help with my children, help around my home, help with my business.
Karen Swim says
You all should know that when I worked in Corporate I was fondly referred to as “Oprah.” I had the chance to turn the tables on myself when I left corporate America. I wrote this because I also confronted my own “keep it all together” realities. While, I’m still often the one you turn to in a crisis, I have also learned (mostly, I mean sheesh I do screw this up on occasion) to receive help, assistance, and imperfection.
@ Ulla, honey, nothing on this blog is too personal. You are in a loving, caring environment where every thought, feeling and comment is valued. Your openness helps all of us as we turn over these subjects and learn together. Many people feel the same way, it can be hard to trust the kindness or help of strangers, especially if you’ve ever had that trust violated. If someone offers help, take it! If they are doing it for selfish reasons it really is their issue not yours. 🙂
@Kelly, oh yea baby true confessions in the WFH Salon, lol! The power aspect occurred to me as I examined my own difficulty in receiving. I more than anyone know how grossly imperfect I am but yet receiving can feel uncomfortable. The Martha thing, oh gosh yea, in the past I dreaded entertaining because of my extreme Martha syndrome, darn you Martha, darn you!!
Kelly says
Karen,
Oh, is it time to drop another veil? Okay. One thing plenty of people offline know about me: I am a huge giver and have a tough time receiving. “No it’s okay I’m fine; Oh don’t worry I’ll do it; No, no you don’t have to bring anything” must be three of my very favorite phrases, outside of work where collaboration and delegation is just part of the day.
“In fact the giver is in a position of power, to receive is humbling.” Those are some very fascinating words. There have been times in my life when I’ve had no choice but to receive, and I suppose those were the most powerless, humbling moments of my life. Perhaps that’s why I’m proud and happy when friends or family cheerfully call me Martha Stewart. I’m thinking, I’m wondering if I want to adjust how I see it based on what you’ve written here, but I don’t know.
(Anybody who could alter how they view life after five minutes looking at a blog post wouldn’t have very deeply held convictions, would they?)
I think balance for me has been a lot more long-term. Periods of crushing helplessness, periods of happy-to-have-power-back, if giving is a power position.
I really am moved by this. Maybe balance within day-to-day life would be a good idea, too.
But who’d make the sixteen hors d’oeuvres while crafting with the kid and keeping the wine at the right temperature if not me? Who would fold the napkins? (Okay, I don’t know a thing about napkin-folding. Just kidding on that.)
Oh, lordy. Beer and cheetos and the next big to-do. I have to think about this some more…
🙂
Beautiful post.
Regards,
Kelly
Ulla Hennig says
Karen,
When I was reading your post just a few seconds ago, I thought – well, that’s me – the one having difficulties to be at the receiving end. I am still thinking about why. One of the reasons is, that I am not sure whether I really “earn” being the receiver. I tend to think I am not … enough (just insert whatever you like – kind, important to other persons, likeable…) That means, I have difficulties in loving myself. I am working on that, and in most cases I can now believe people when they say good things about me. The other thing is, that I have difficulties in believing that people give something to me without expecting me to do sth for them – giving not as an act of love, but as a deal – this for that. With close friends that is no problem, but with people I doesn’t know that well.
I hope this was not too personal.
Karen Swim says
@Brad, I know that you shall have many more. You are thoughtful and generous and inspire others to want to give right back to you!
@Robert, I love what you said about the balance making us complete. How true. The bible is filled with examples of service and of being served. My real contribution to your writing project is still to come. Can’t wait to celebrate the generosity of my friends – they rock! 🙂
Robert Hruzek says
Karen, what a wonderful blessing you are to everyone who reads your thoughtful words! I’m glad you discovered this lesson in receiving – it’s part of what makes us complete human beings.
I know folks – we all do – who simply can’t let people give them anything. But they’re the ones missing out.
Thanks for the generous contribution to this month’s groupwrite project, Karen, and as always, a tip o’ the hat to ya!
Cheers!
Robert
Brad Shorr says
Karen, You continue to enrich the Christmas season. Humility and thankfulness are two very important qualities we should always try to nurture in ourselves. The times in my life when I have been genuinely humble and thankful were among the most important and pleasing. Ah, if only there were more of them, you know?