Written by Karen D. Swim
“We have to be willing to get rid of the life we had planned so as to live the life that is waiting.”
I planned to be a wife and mom (after my original idea of Queen of the World fell through). I was going to be bake cookies, volunteer with the PTA and hang out at the park with the other moms. At age 39 I was widowed and childless – this was definitely not according to the plan!
Life very often does not go according to our plan. There have been many times when things have worked out better than I ever could have planned. Better than plan is a reason to rejoice, dancing on the table tops kind of rejoicing. We never question “better than planned” because we are too happy celebrating our good fortune.
Ah, but when we get “not even close to plan” results, we question the unfairness of it all. We are disappointed, frustrated and perhaps angry.
Disappointment can be fleeting or it can suck your soul dry leaving you bitter and empty. You can waste years mourning what you believe you should have had or you can embrace what you do have. It is a choice we get to make often because life frequently does not go according to plan.
How do you handle disappointment? Has a setback ever turned out to be a positive experience in your life? Do you buy me as a PTA mom? 🙂
Yes, I can buy you as a PTA Mom, Karen. Simply because you’re sweet, caring and helpful.
OK, who said that about PTAs being a clique and old school? I promise you I’ve never belong in a sorority, clique or anything groupie — yet I feel like a part of all three PTAs (elementary, high school and city).
I’m lucky my professional and family lives have turned out as expected — for the most part. But there are a few things that didn’t. I’m still handling them. I just don’t let them get in the way of the things that are important. At least, I try not to.
If you want to help kids in school, you can. Plenty of people with grown kids and no kids volunteer at schools. You can tutor, judge science fairs, anything. If you want to do it — go for it.
More often than not, I turn a disappointment into a reason for a joke. It always seems like laughing helps, if for no other reason than to help me cough up the wad of bad feelings I’m choking on.
P.S. Aren’t you the PTA mom of Twitter? 😉
Jamie Grove´s last blog post..Your Writing Chain Is a Beautiful, Ponderous Thing
I have learned to take it one day at a time. And instead of breaking when things don’t go as planned, I bend by praying, accepting what is, attempting to see the positive aspect of the situation, although it is not always evident, try not to get overwhelmed by the bigness of the situation and appreciate the little things.
I was a stay at home mom for 12 years and that really helped me to be flexible as I travel through life!
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Not much you can do about the past or what we could or should have done. just work on the present, what you can change.
how do i handle disappointment? i pout for a day or two then i get over it.
“Queen of the world”? You underestimate yourself – you should go for what I always strive:
All Powerful Godlike Mother Unit
So long as the kids believe it, you’re half-way there. 🙂
Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog post..I now have 18 free-flying parakeets – Empathy, please!
Karen, I was just saying to a friend at the weekend that if life (conventional family life) had worked out for me the way I wanted to… I wouldn’t have the freedom and understanding to do what I now do, relish doing, love doing… I never would have believed it at the time, but I do think now that things have worked out for the best.
That being said… parenting is so central to our sense of identity, it is hard to leave it behind, it’s not just a dream it’s a huge, fundamental part of who we are. You would have been the most wonderful mother and I’m sorry if I’m shedding some tears right now that this dream is maybe now past you.
@ Conor… your story is very exciting, and I can’t wait to hear more about your music and how we can get hold of it!
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I’ve been giving this some thought and you know, I think disappointment (in the form of rejections of my book by publishers) has really done me some good over the last couple of years, on two counts.
1) It’s made a better book. I think back to the drafts I sent out before and slap my forehead. But the rejection of that version of the book threw it back into the forge and now it is stronger and shinier for it.
2) It’s made me realise how important writing is to me, and that getting published is different to that. Going through those disappointments made me realise that I kept going back to the blank page – that it really is the thing I am made to do.
My love of writing, and believing in what I have written, is being tested. And despite all of the setbacks, tears and disappointment, it remains.
Emma Newman´s last blog post..Ten writing lessons learned – a reminder to my future self
Karen,
You would have made a great queen!
Personally, I feel that the process of setting goals and making plans is extremely important, particularly as this provides us with a sense of direction in life.
That said, flexibility is also a virtue, and I agree with your comments that we must maintain a flexible attitude when things don’t pan out according to our plan.
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Karen,
Your post is a beautiful reflection of a life well-lived. It’s important to have a plan or vision for life and equally important to accept (and some times grow as a result of ) what happens beyond our control. My mentor used to say, “Man plans and God laughs”.
If you were a soccer or PTA mom, I wonder if you would have time to light up the world with your words – I just grateful that you do!
Hey Karen,
I buy you in any caring and loving capacity, so yes 🙂
I have had many disappointments over the past few years, personally, professionally and in every other conceivable facet of my life. But I learned more about myself each time. I learned what I DON’T want, which actually has been more powerful than learning what I do.
A quick story; I was performing live regularly in Dublin for 2 years, small gigs, and usually small crowds. I was growing frustrated and then one night only 2 people showed up to a gig. I was so fed up that I decided that night, no more. No more singing my songs to empty rooms. That was it.
Then…like a ray of light…the sound engineer called me over and said he loved my music and would like to record me. 2 years later and we’ve finished a 4 song CD that I am so happy and excited about. I will be putting the tunes online soon 🙂
There are silver linings, there are rays of light, it’s just hard to see them from the shadows.
Setting long term plans often results in high expectations. We can’t see the great things happening in our lives because they aren’t ‘part of the plan’.
I really admire your courage and strength and thank you for sharing such a rich perspective with us.
Conor
I dunno, Karen, I’m not sure I can visualize you as the typical Soccer Mom – but hey, I’d be willin’ to try if that’s what turns yer crank. On the other hand, “Queen of the World” now, that’s totally YOU! 😀
To tell you the truth, I’d love to know just what percentage of folks are actually DOING what they thought they’d be doin’, y’know? I bet that number is in single-digits at best.
John Lennon’s quote has never been more true: “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”
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Wow, are we in sync or what? Today’s post is exactly about that over on Someday Syndrome…
The problem of going way off plans is exactly why I keep my plans kind vague and stick with the moment. That way I don’t get hugely disappointed when things shift. Instead I can celebrate the new opportunities.