Written by Karen D. Swim
I called my Dad yesterday and was treated to his usual jovial greeting. Yet, there was something there, a hint of wistfulness or was it sadness? After answering my usual questions about his day, he revealed that his dear friend had passed away. As he related the news, there was a catch in his throat that caused my heart to drop.
My dad had his 79th birthday last month. Many of his friends or “partners” as he calls them have passed away. This friend, Leon was one of the last. In recent years my Dad spent many days driving to nursing homes to visit his “partners” sharing old stories and kidding one another. Watching them, a little hunched over, some with canes nearby, the years fell away and they once again became young men ready to take on the world.
I have lost two dear friends and a husband and while painful the losses are different at this age of life. Death comes like an intruder, a thief in the night. At my Dad’s age, death becomes the inevitable and as your friends succcumb you are face to face with your own mortality.
With each loss, my Dad loses a piece of his history. There are few left who walked the journey with him, and shared the adventures. He is now the lone historian, keeping the memories alive by sharing them with his family.
My Dad is an upbeat sort and even in sadness is quick with a joke or smile. He misses his partners, but has maintained his own taste for living. He walks a little slower these days but unaided, and we have to speak a little louder over the phone, but he is in good health. He reminds me to cherish these days and the friends and family that surround me; to laugh, love and truly live.
We talk for awhile remembering Leon and sharing mundane details. There are moments of contemplative silence in between the chat and laughs. When we hang up it is not without a heartfelt “I love you,” and grins that can be heard in the melody of our good-byes.
I hug the phone to my heart as the call disconnects, giving thanks for my Dad and the time we have shared. While I cannot control the length of days, I can cherish my now, and I intend to do just that.
How do you make the most of your days? Please share your thoughts, remembrances or whatever is on your mind in the comments. I cherish your conversation and take joy in hearing from you.
antje wilsch says
Ah yes, Rick Springfield:
April 24, 1981
I know all your life you wondered
About that step we all take alone
How far does the spirit travel on the journey
You must surely be near heaven
And it thrills me to the bone
To know daddy knows the great unknown..
Melissa Donovan says
Death reminds us that nature is a fickle friend. I once heard a song in which the singer says that a loved one who passed away now knows the great unknown. I believe the actual lines were:
It thrills me to the bone
Daddy knows the great unknown
I’ve always viewed that as a positive and unique way to think about it.
Karen Swim says
Stef, thank you so much for the beautiful words. I am glad that you went to the Yiskor service and Yom Kippur is a reminder to remember but also to celebrate. Loss is hard, no way around that but faith, love and remembering help us to heal. I am so sorry for your losses and know what it is like to lose many in a short period. Having gone through it I can assure you that you will never forget but one day it will hurt a little less. If you ever want to talk, I am here.
Karen Swim says
Jean, yes we can and my offer is sincere! Anytime, just reach out!
Karen Swim says
Oh Antje, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. If you need to talk, I am here.
Karen Swim says
Hi Vincent! Your comment was in moderation so please forgive the delay in responding! You are such a sweet, kind man and I truly appreciate your warm words! My Dad is a pretty cool guy and he has happily embraced my friends. I will never forget before moving to MI, my friends husband and son had relocated here. I called and they were hanging out with my Dad! Mind you, they had never met but when I told my Dad about them, he happily embraced him. My Dad has a computer and we’re all afraid of teaching him to much. We already have to sneak and return his phone purchases. He would get online and order stuff like there was no tomorrow! LOL!
Jean Gogolin says
Karen, thanks so much. Seems one really can make friends on the blogosphere!
Jean Gogolins last blog post..Should Politicians (or Execs) Be "Handled"?
Karen Swim says
Jean, lol! My Dad will be tickled pink when I tell him you like the suit! LOL! Oh Jean, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Alzheimers is hideous and so hard for family members. We learn to treasure those lucid moments and find ways to connect with them in spite of the loss of memories. Grace does see us through. If you ever need a friend, I am happy to listen, and I’ve got pretty strong shoulders. 🙂
Karen Swim says
Evelyn, it made me sad too and I think there are great lessons to be learned from our elders. Ellen’s idea of capturing his stories was a good one. I am sure he will love it, he loves telling them! 🙂
Stef Newman says
Karen – Your post could not have come at a more appropriate day for me. Today was the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the holiest and most somber day of the year – the day we fast and abstain from everything except prayer and reflection, asking for forgiveness of a year’s worth of transgressions. It’s also a day to honor loved ones we’ve lost, during a service called “Yiskor”, or memorial service. While I’ve never sat through a Yiskor service (technically, if both of your parents are still alive you’re not supposed to participate), but this year I felt it was time for me to honor those whom I’ve lost.
In the past five years I’ve lost a stepfather; two stepsiblings (both at terribly young ages); both grandmothers; and two stepgrandparents. While this has been tragic and draining and has brought too much sadness to myself and my family, all I have to do is remind myself of the good things that have happened, that life goes on through both the good and bad. The births and many milestones of my two beautiful daughters; celebrating six years of marriage; my mom and aunt’s successful kidney transplants; and many other accomplishments.
While I think about my family who is no longer with me every day, it’s taken much to help me push on, if not for me, but for my daughters. They need to know that life is the most wonderful gift.
You and your dad are so strong, your bond even stronger because of it. Thanks for this beautiful post!
Stef Newmans last blog post..Bring Election Fever To Your Kids!
Jean Gogolin says
I love your Dad’s purple suit!
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve lose your husband. I still have mine physically but he has mid-stage Alzheimer’s so I’m losing him in another way. Hideous disease that more and more of us will face, but it’s another lesson in accepting whatever happens with as much grace as we can muster.
Jean Gogolins last blog post..Should Politicians (or Execs) Be "Handled"?
Evelyn Lim says
Your post made me feel so sad. I feel for your dad’s loneliness. Many of us may get to experience the same some day. The underlying message is clear!
I like the idea of asking him if he would like to write his personal journals. He may find it a good emotional release for him and others can read his stories as well.
Evelyn Lims last blog post..What Enneagram Profile Type Am I?
Karen Swim says
Oh Heather, sending you virtual hugs! I hope that we are all fortunate to make it to those years. Like you I am feeling very blessed for both those I’ve loved and lost and those that remain. Kelly’s words are so very, very true.
By the way, I have missed you my friend. Your friendship is a gift and I treasure you. 🙂
Karen Swim says
E, that is such a good suggestion especially since this is my biological Dad and I didn’t grow up with him. So there is much I am still learning.
My Dad is in the purple suit (yea, what was he thinking! I have no idea of the year my sister emailed this me awhile ago) and Leon is in the hat, he really was a sweet man and I’m glad I got to know him.
Karen Swim says
Kelly, ah man losses stink! I’m sorry for your friends. Your comments though should be cemented in stone for all of us. Don’t leave words unsaid, and cherish the time you have. It does not make it hurt less but it does ease the grieving process not having to contend with guilt or unfinished business.
Karen Swim says
Friar, awkward is so right! You are a good son and I know your Mom agrees. One of my favorite Friar posts was the one from your Mom. It is particularly hard when parents lose their spouse. Me and my Dad are both widowed which is a strange thing that has strengthened our bond.
Heather Gardner says
Your post brought me tears.
Tears of mourning the loss of those I’ve lost in my life.
Tears of joy as I think back of all the fond memories of missed loved ones.
Tears of wonder of how I will feel if I am fortunate enough to reach my golden years.
Your touched my heart on so many levels. I’m feeling thankful and blessed.
Ellen Wilson says
Karen,
Remember all your dad’s stories so you can write it all down. Things have drastically changed just in our lifetimes. My dad talks about how they used to burn coal in Milwaukee and how the soot covered everything. How the milk was delivered by a cart drawn by horses. I’m not kidding! This was in the 30’s. How his dad made fried bread during the Depression. He liked it. I’m sure he still would because he eats pretty much anything. Like pickled pig’s feet. Ugh!
Death comes to us all. It is the great leveler. It makes you see how stupid anything is besides caring for one another and helping eachother out, because who else is going to do it?!
Is that your dad in the hat?
Kelly says
Karen,
Oh, I hear you. In September two close friends lost their mothers (in the space of a week). I’m far away, so I have to try at times like that to keep the shake out of my own voice, “Hi, Mom, just checking in,” not “Are you still there?” When my friends lose loved ones, or when my parents talk about folks they know who’ve died recently, I wish (as always) that hugs were a little easier to reach out for.
I make that phone work hard for me, and I reach forward to my daughter and out to my friends, too, to make the most of my days. Not a day goes by when I don’t tell someone out loud how much I love and appreciate them. That way eventually I hit everybody. 🙂 It helps to think, I’ve said what I needed to. No unfinished business. If someone is taken from me, they knew every day how much they meant to me.
Regards,
Kelly
antje wilsch says
OH, this brought tears to my eyes. My father recently died and his friends miss him terribly. It’s so hard to be around him when they’re reminiscing but comforting too…. thanks for posting this.
Friar says
It’s that awkard time of life. When our parents are getting old enough that all their friends are dying.
Which is harsh reminder that they’re in the same boat too.
This is why I don’t take things for granted anymore.
I try to make the most of my time together with my Mom now. Especially now that Dad’s gone.
Friars last blog post..More Friar-O-Lanterns (*)
Vincent Wright says
Hi, Karen,
Your father is blessed to have one more, very vibrant member of his posse: YOU!
I, personally, appreciate your taking time out of your busy business schedule to pay homage to your father and his friend. He’s gotta be a cool man to have such a cool daughter.
By the way: remember to tell your father that you’re helping him build a new Internet posse – and that he should come hang around with us a little bit! 🙂 With Eons, YouTube, Last.fm, SmoothJazz, Google Earth and sundry other tools, we could pull up some music and sites and sounds that he and his off line posse used to like. I BET we can find some songs that could make him smile and tap his toes! 🙂
Keep STRONG, Karen!
Vincent
Karen Swim says
Brad, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. It is not an easy time as parents age.
Robert, I never considered the immortality of our words, wow! Okay well that’ s a little frightening, isn’t it. lol! Yes, God’s memory, thankfully He knows it all and loves us anyway. 🙂
Joanna, *blushing* thank you! You know, you are quite right about getting emotional at times. Because we are writing and reading so much about one another, we often share more time online than we do with many others in our life. The sharing forges the friendships and we feel one another’s pain. I treasure my friends online even though many I have never met. It certainly makes no difference in my heart. 🙂
Joanna Young says
Karen, I bet your dad is very proud, and glad, to have you as his daughter.
The internet is such a strange place. I’ve just come away from a piece about a traumatic but ultimately happy ending birth of twins. And then read this.
It’s no wonder we all get so emotional at times… and also learn to treasure each other. Our words, our connections, our friendships… even with those we’ve never met 🙂
Robert Hruzek says
I’ve discovered, over the last couple of years, that the act of observing, and then writing, about life is its own form of immortality. The things that happen, and are shared, continue even if we don’t.
It’s been said that immortality rests in the memories of those who continue on, and that makes me glad. But even happier is the thought that God has the best memory of all!
Robert Hruzeks last blog post..Bearing the Burden of Stress
Brad Shorr says
Sad news, Karen. My parents are going through a similar passage right now. It’s so important to live in the moment.
Brad Shorrs last blog post..Welcome to the Sexy Sixties